surrealism

2008-03-16T21:19:00.002+08:00

9.18pm

I fall to pieces
I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

bloody awesome lyrics ballss

i got lots to say, but just so lazy to type shit out

2008-03-03T15:51:00.002+08:00

3.52pm

finally found the time to blog. cause well, theres nothing else to do right now.haha

well,the exams went alright, should be relatively ok. but thats not even a concern right now. just looking for things to fill up my time. aint gonna shave cause i think i'm starting to look abit more like the escaped terrorist by the day,so i want people to stare on the train and then kana jack when they realise they mistook me. hhaha. too bored already balls.

yesterday's match was a dud. stupid rain spoiled everything. but never mind, theres always the upcoming nike "cage" we're planning and mike wants a class chalet/ outing. we'll see how it goes. usually i gotta plan everything, so maybe this time i take a break. stay at home and literally rot. haha.

2008-01-29T22:45:00.000+08:00

10.45pm

well, i am a happy boy cause randall just lent me his thumbdrive which contains all of his Blink 182, Children of Bodom, Guns and Roses and Velvet Revolver songs. haha. god knows i need my rock again. Its so damn bloody sexy arh. OMG, the guitar solos and everything, thank whoever that came up with rock. haha.

sean msged yesterday as well, wanting to know if i wanna go back for rockerfella. haha. seems that ben got in this time around. well, good for him arh, last year our auditions were crap. we had like 1 clap,literally, after we ended our performance. damn embarassing. oh wells, that was actually a good memory from cj. haha. well, this year i dont know if its going to be as good as last year's. no more sheer and his band. plus his fucking good guitarist is now in la salle or something. but the bassist, tim, is playing in some other band, according to randall, so might be good. oh wells, lets see if can get in first arh. haha.

well, sun went well. realised maybe i took my plan abit too far arh. forgot where that fine line was. but its all good now. should have realised, that i should be there for them as they were for me. but its ok, everyday you learn something new. haha. plus the prank call at the end of the day was just too good to be missed. haha. bj fell for it, hook line and sinker. damn i'm good. i should be in drama man. haha.

yea, things are pretty cool. only concerns now are the fucking upcoming tests. like the fact i gotta study. haha. damn i've become lazy. yea, that and my gain weight programe along with rehabbing my knee. i wanna sign up for police!! so need to be 55kg plus having strong physical conditions. i am a indecisive motherfucker. i am in ccm and now, i wanna join police to have a steady job once i finish ns. haha. my mom will kill me when she finds out. but who cares, its my life. hmm, i think thats enough cause i'm becoming nonsensical and definitely not being me. sounding like some drugged up groupie!

2008-01-27T12:50:00.000+08:00

12.50pm

Argh, the feeling of missing soccer. Not that nice actually, but ya what pk said is true, if i permanently hurt my knee, then theres no way in hell i can continue playing anymore, so just gotta bite down and wait awhile. Hopefully by next wk, the knee's alright and the matches are still on.

So decided to finally go get some shoes since soccer was out of the question. On the way to queensway, guess who i finally see. Stupid amos lim!! Haha. God knows how long,then finally can meet that jackass. Always around boonkeng area,but cant see him, now meet him at J8. Irony. Was good to meet with him and alvan. Been too long. Anyway, decided to get the same kind of kappa shoes again,nothing really sparked my interest, but hey, i cant be wearing slippers everywhere i go can i??. Oh wells.

We are all just prisoners of our own device;
Our eyes just lying blatantly
Our ears only taking in deceit
And our hearts no longer know what to believe,

Although you know what you want
That trust and closeness,
Maybe its better to be apart and alone
Maybe you were never meant to have all of that

So you push them away,
making them hate your guts
It gives you a reason to be a bastard
but it also tears up you inside

And then you try to go back from where you came from
And maybe someday, you'll find out
A way to make it back,
Somehow, to fix this all

2008-01-24T23:32:00.000+08:00

11.33pm

The meaning of “go fuck yourselves” has never been clearer. Seriously, just go fuck yourselves. 100%. Left, right, center, inside and out, upside down and any other way you fuckers can do it. Bunch of mother fucking hypocrites. For you, there is one rule and then there is another for everyone else. Don’t you bloody forget I already saved your fucking asses twice before. This is strike 3. That means your out. SO GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!
I am not doing this again.

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Nothing you can say can stop me now

These bright lights have always blinded me
But not anymore
Now I walk this path alone
And this isn’t a mistake

2008-01-20T09:16:00.000+08:00

9.16am

haha. thanks to pk, my 100th post is gone, but what the heck, who cares.. hey pk, your blog looks retarded now la, the spacing soooooo wide, u wanna fit your ass in there is it??hahahaahah. okok, just joking :) your random postings here adds variety to my blog. haha. but that doesn't mean the next time i sign in, i want to see hello kitty all arh, i am very happy with linkin park!!!

Anyway, been a happy kid the last 2 sats cause BJ is back!!!! Hahha, it means blackjack football club. Yea, we took like a 6-8month hiatus but now we're back. The first game was supposed to be my 100th post, cause i played damn well i think. Haha. It just felt sooo good. Went back to playing as DM, so just did like what Hargreaves would do, win the ball and give to the technically better players to score the goals. I actually assisted for 2 goals!! We won 4-2, so naturally i feel damn good. Haha. But the downer was that i kinda took a knock on the thigh and couldn't walk properly for like the whole week and then being the genius that i am, i went straight back yesterday and played again and i practically did not touch the ball the entire game!! We played some mat team, but surprisingly, they played long balls, so all i did was stand around and look up at the sky for the flying balls. Haha. We drew 1-1 by the way. Anyway, the leg was still not comfortable, so maybe another week's rest and then this coming sat go back for another game. Haha. Also realised that whenever i am on the pitch right, so far for both games, we have yet to concede a goal, but whenever i sub out, we concede. Haha, maybe I'm a lucky charm. Hahahahah

Anyway, got a new song to "broadcast". Its by Busted and its called Meet You There. Kinda lyrically strong, in certain areas, if the songs applies to you.

REVIVE THE BLOG!

2008-01-15T22:32:00.000+08:00

nigga! start bloggin yo!
since you are NOT bloggin,
i shall intrude! xP
anw i did sth to my blogskin!
kns, wait for you i die of.. of..
"cannot-wait-ness" alr!! HAHHA!

oh, i can help you 'widen' your bloggin area too!!
woohoo! i feel like a rocket scientist!
what am i talkin abt man,
i AM a rocket scientist. wahahaha!

2008-01-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

10.58pm

OK, first post of the new year,so it shall be kinda thoughtful. hahaha

Was at pk's house today and she was showing me this jap video (as usual) that shes been watching. About a girl who dies from a progressive disease that's fatal and how her classmate (a guy) cares for her and eventually falls for her and misses her even though she passed away for like 5 years already.

The funny thing was i actually thought of something along this line during the holidays. I was just sitting around, having a puff and these kinda things just float into my head. I was wondering what it'll be like when someone dear is gone and you can no longer hear their voice, no matter how much you want to and nothing you do can make them come back. And i thought of my granny. I mean she is the main reason why i am in CCM after all, cause of her cooking and how i want to follow that. Imagine waking up one day and not being able to taste her cooking and hear her voice? Not being able to tell her that i fell in love (hopefully!) and am gonna get married? And that being her eldest grandchild, i am going to give her her first great grandchild. Imagining that just seems so harsh. But that doesn't mean that i will all of a sudden become a filial person and so on. It just puts things into perspective. I wont outwardly show concern about my family, heck, i was laughing when my mum got admitted into the hospital! But i know for a fact that when that sad day does come along, you aren't supposed to cry. But rather rejoice that that person has now left this miserable stink of a place called earth and has gone somewhere better. Of cause, I'm not saying my granny gonna go soon la, that still got long way to go. haha. (touch wood)

and while I'm at it, i better say this as well, although i didn't want to cause i thought it wasn't such a big deal. sep and bj, the reason I'm not talking as much as probably last term is because theres something i gotta handle on my own first. It should have been done before the semester started, but i was so busy trying to be happy all term long, that i pushed it away. The last hols made it important i do this first, before i can be back to normal. its not emo, don't worry, just something i gotta do on my own. Only the closest would have realised some thing's amiss i think. Anyway, like i once told sep, just cause we don't talk as much doesn't mean that the status quo has changed. Nothings changed, (well maybe except me arh. haha) but seriously though, its all good. A little while more and i think it'll be over, then " I'll be baccckk". (terminator style) hahahaha

(ps: seems like a very thoughtful entry,so got special song for just one wk!! plus next entry is number 100!!! must plan carefully,milestone arh. haha)

2007-12-30T10:49:00.000+08:00

10.5oam

alright,this was supposed to be on new year's day, but since i foresee myself being busy and all,i decided to be 2 days earlier. This is the ending of the story i wrote, wont put in the middle part, cauz i lazy to type.

The Story – Final Part

It was the morning after prom. Veron had discovered Chris’s plan last night, after she had overheard him and Harry at prom. She felt used and betrayed. She couldn’t believe that she had listened to his lies for 1 and a half years! But upon confronting Harry, he swore that he no longer was the guy he used to be and that he had really fallen for her and that was why, he had refused to cooperate with Chris on his stupid plan. Veron could sense the truth in his eyes but she still felt angry and confused. She somehow still liked Harry despite knowing their relationship was started on a lie. She still loved him and he loved her back. But at the back of her mind, she thought of Dave. Dave who had warned her about Harry and Chris, Dave who was always there to help and the same Dave whom she, Veronica, had humiliated and embarrassed in front of everyone in school for coming in between Harry and her. She felt deeply ashamed of her actions and deep inside her heart she felt respect and possibly love for Dave as well?

Feeling thoroughly confused and needing some help, she called up Anne, her best friend from school. She told her everything and asked her what to do. Anne’s advice was to call Dave and explain things to him. So Veron did just that. She called up Dave’s house and his mum answered the phone. But she had bad news for Veron. It seems that Dave was going away to Scotland to stay with his uncle and that his flight was leaving that very afternoon. When she asked why, Mrs. Roberts, Dave’s mum, replied that Dave had been acting weird for the last year or so and she had decided to send him to her brother’s place, hoping that a change in scenery would make him feel better. Veron immediately felt her heart sink. It had been a year ago, that she had humiliated Dave in front of everyone and it looked like that had changed him forever. She quickly put the phone down, called Anne and told her to meet at the airport immediately. She would explain things when she got there. She also decided that Harry should be there as well and she called him up and asked him to be at the airport.

15 minutes later, the three of them burst through the airport entrance and started looking at the flight departure schedules. Veron had filled the both of them in on what was happening and they started to look for Dave. As they moved through the airport, they soon found Dave, getting ready to check in. As Veron walked towards him, Harry and Anne hung back to let them have some space.

Dave couldn’t believe his eyes. What was she doing here? How could she have known? Looking perplexed as Veron approached him, all he could muster was a “What are you doing here?” He didn’t mean to sound rude, but there was some resentment in his voice. Veron sensed it and she tried her best to apologize without bursting into tears. She explained everything to Dave and how that he had been right all along and that she was sorry. She even left a hint that maybe now; she was starting to have feelings for him too. But all Dave was looking at was Harry standing some distance back. As he stared into Harry’s eyes and then Veron’s, he knew what he had to do.

As Harry and Anne looked on, Dave said something to Veron. They couldn’t here anything, but when he was done talking, Veron just burst into tears and ran away. Harry chased after her as Anne stood there, shocked at what she had just witnessed. For the last year or so, Anne knew that Dave had like Veron. So now why was he rejecting her? Feeling the anger boiling, she walked up to him and asked him what the hell he said to her.

Looking at Anne, Dave just smiled. He knew that Anne would understand once he had explained things to her. He told her that despite all the time that they had been apart, he could still read Veron very well and he knew that she was in love with Harry. She was kidding herself that she liked him, Dave. If he had mended their friendship, he knew that Veron would have let her feelings for him grow and that would mean another confrontation with Harry somewhere in the near future. Harry had changed himself for Veron and that was the kind of guy she needed, someone who would do anything for her. So, he decided to be mean and rude and chased her away, so that she would forget him and love Harry with all her heart. Dave wasn’t trying to be some sort of hero, but rather, he just sick of all these lies that had stained a beautiful friendship and he decided to go away for a fresh start. As Anne heard Dave’s true intentions, she couldn’t stop herself from tearing. Despite all that he felt for her, Dave was still willing to let Veron walk away with someone else. She knew that someday, she had to explain all of this to Veron, but the most burning question she had was if Dave had any regrets about any of this.

Once again, Dave just smiled at her and said “Regrets come in all shapes n sizes, some are small, like we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger, like when we let a friend down. Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret, because we're looking forward at the future. Sometimes we have to fight, to come to terms with the past and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did,
But for the things we didn’t do, things we didn’t say, to someone we care about
Especially when we can see the dark storm coming their way.”

With that, Dave said goodbye to Anne and walked though the counter to board his flight.

2007-12-25T14:33:00.000+08:00

2.35pm

well, its X'mas today and so to everyone a very merry Christmas to you all!!!

so on a special day comes a special entry. a story, written by me, just for fun. actually its a series of stories i have in mind, but only gonna let loose the starting. (after such a long time,i finally got some creative juices back). its abit lame and very teenagy, but what the heck, atleast better than nothing.

The Story – Part 1

Dave and Veronica were classmates that had just met this year. They hardly knew one another at the start of the academic year, but as time passed, they got to know each other through mutual friends and became quite close. There wasn’t a day that you wouldn’t see them together in school. Sometimes it raised doubts in other peoples’ minds as to whether they were “together”. But they were just really good friends and they didn’t bother with what people had to say. “Utter rubbish” Dave used to call it.

They kept no secrets and they told each other pretty much anything under the sun that would bother them. They also knew when the other was bothered by any problem and would try to help, and solve the problem. However, they also knew when to give each other space and let the respective person solve their own issue.

But all this goodness was being watched by someone. Someone who had liked Veronica for a long time and was very jealous of the close relationship between the two friends. That someone was Chris, another of their classmates. Ever since day 1, Chris was crazy about Veronica. But his love grew into jealousy as he saw how close Dave got to Veronica. Chris never had the courage to speak to Veronica himself, and the only time they ever talked was way back on the first day when he had split milk on her and he apologized like a bumbling fool. It was a day he would rather forget but Dave kept on reminding the class of that incident whenever he could. It wasn’t because of any personal vendetta but rather, it was an incident which brought the class closer and everyone except Chris saw that.

And so Chris formed a plan. It was a stupid plan that only teenagers would think of but it was a plan none the less. He wanted to introduce his good friend Harry to Veronica. Harry was a regular playboy and Chris knew that with a little persuasion, Harry would attempt to go after Veronica. After Harry had gotten Veronica to like him, he would make her neglect Dave and soon their closeness would be cut off. And at the end when Harry dumped Veronica just like every other girl he went out with, he, Chris would be there to console her and get her to like him. It was a dubious plan, but once Chris made up his mind, there was going to be nothing that stopped him.

Soon, he cooked up a way to get Harry to meet Veronica. And just like he planned, with a little persuasion, Harry went after Veronica and she fell madly in love with him. Dave had no problems with Veronica falling in love, but something about Harry made him uneasy. It was a lingering feeling that just kept on bothering Dave. But he couldn’t put his finger on it. And also, Chris’s involvement made everything seem that much fishier. Dave knew that Chris like Veronica, so what was he doing introducing Harry to her? And what was that lingering feeling in his chest? Dave sensed that there was trouble brewing ahead…

(To be continued)

2007-12-20T21:49:00.000+08:00

9.50pm

arh yes the hols. What a bore!! haha. OK its not boring, i mean theres FM07( i won the EPL with Charlton!! haha) and wrestling videos so its all good. haha.

Ever since the closing of school, i have become a mad WWE fan. i mean youtube the old videos, read up on wrestler profiles (where they are, what they're doing now...), watch re-runs of the latest episodes. Man have i missed watching these guys throw themselves around the ring. Ya,i know its all scripted and fake, but these are the best damn actors you'll find anywhere! Would tom cruise really allow himself to be kicked around or thrown around?? i don't think so. But these guys do! And the best part, they never quit on you. You don't ever hear about wrestlers going on strike, cancelling a match due to rain or just being whiny in the press about not getting paid enough or something. When these guys make an appearance, people love them. A good wrestling fan knows that what their doing is fake but still can appreciate what these guys are doing,so as to put food on the table for their families. The constant travelling around the world isn't easy on them, but they still show up every night to perform and you'll never hear a word of complain from them.

But what i really want to talk about is the RAW 15th Anniversary episode. WOA!!! amazing. If you watch wrestling for a long time, you'll know what I'm talking about. Superstars (past and present) all coming out to toast to the fans for following the show to run for 15years!! i mean there was a wide ranging scale of superstars. Scotty 2 Hotty with his worm move, Undertaker and his legendary entrance, Mankind aka Mick Foley shoving Mr Socko down Vince's throat, Triple H mocking the shit out of Vince McMahon, Evolution's reunion, DX's reunion, RVD's surprise return, Hulk Hogan chopping down The Great Khali, Y2J beating the hell out of Eric Bischoff. Hahaha. That was a wrestling fan's dream episode. but that wasn't all, Stone Cold Steve Austin made one last return to thank the fans and what kind of ending would be, without the beer and the middle fingers and the stunner to Vince. hahahaha. And at the end of it all, Austin did a surprising thing. He thanked the fans for everything and called them the greatest RAW superstar over the 15years of broadcast and to cap it all off, he invited all the superstars in the back to come to the ring to have a beer with him and i mean everyone came out to have a beer. From lil Hornswoggle to Jim Heidhart to Lita to Trish to Triple H, even Khali came to have a beer. haha. Now that was a picture worth a million bucks man.

the smile across my face after watching that episode last night was just unbelievable. like being a lil kid again. just freaking amazing. like your childhood heroes all coming together on one show. just damn cool. looking back on the old WWE videos, i think the quality has gone down over the years, even more so since The Rock left, but hey everyone moves on in life. But i know that no matter where i go, WWE will still be on the telly, entertaining people for the next 15years, just like they did these last 15 years. After all, where else can you get such assurances in life??

2007-12-12T01:04:00.000+08:00

1.06am

alright i said that my next post would be cheerful. But i cant be cauz i fucking just deleted most of my songs from my ipod thanks to my own stupidity. Now i gotta rebuild everything, meaning going around people's houses to "borrow" songs from their itunes. BJ,sep,cliff are just some of the people I'm gonna pay a visit to. haha

although this can also be seen as one of the better things that could have happened to me ,cause now, i gotta live without my ipod and entertain myself in other ways. Hmm,maybe I'll actually get around to doing some cooking this hols. haha. i cant do homework without music so nothing happening there, but cooking is another issue. haha. OK,so maybe this is a kinda cheerful post cause although i feel fucked up, at least theres time for me to go around to "borrow" songs from people. maybe this time,i wont just take every crap and shove it in but rather choose my music so that i actually have proper stuff to listen to. I used to have a range that went from Metallica to Ashlee Simpson!!!! hahahaha. no clue how i actually listened to shit. alright enough about my stupidity, although sep, i have occasional streaks of stupidity, unlike you, streaks of intelligence!! haha [ couldn't help it,sorry! :) ]

2007-12-06T02:42:00.000+08:00

2.44am

this is the one to put an end to this all. hahaha. so much talk and in the end, same ending. betrayal?..i hope not.

at the end of it all, it boils down to accepting people for who they are and what they believe in. U say oversensitivity, i say its caring too much. but at the end of the day, what matters is that this friendship still goes on.

i know u have your own morals and rules to live by and I'll probably never understand how it all works, but i know when push comes to shove, I'd rather just be where i am now. Your stubbornness is equally matched by my desire to help cauz u have no idea what impact u made on me. I hope u don't take this the wrong way, cauz its never meant to hurt nor speak bad of u. I know you say it simply brushes off u, but deep down, don't you like the feeling that there is at least one person who cares?..i know i would..

i know it sounds as bullshit but the impact has been generally positive and i owe it to you. You may think it ain't worth much, but that's the way i function. I've always wanted a really good friend and i know i found one in you,that's why i try so hard to make sure it doesn't go wrong. cliche i know,but that's just who i am. I'm just a low self esteem, small black boy whose friends mean alot to him. Just hope you understand that cauz i know me telling you will not work cauz you will brush it aside.

so i hope this ends it all,that things go back to normal. I know u said things never changed,but i just felt like saying so. communication may not be our best feature and i gotta learn to expect less, but i rather have things this way than have no friendship at all...

{ next post will be a cheerful one:) }

2007-12-04T22:49:00.000+08:00

10.51pm

what happened to you?..i cant believe what i heard...What I thought was true,is made of fiction and i don't know what to say anymore..

i put you up on a pedestal and looked up to you. i know its not fair to do that to someone, but it shows how much he/she means to you. but its all gone....no, that isn't a fair statement, but i guess that's why they say, "the higher they are, the harder they fall". Why?? why did you have to do something as stupid as that? I thought you know better, i thought you were better than that. But we are human after all,we all fall once in awhile. But we are supposed to learn from those mistakes, not enclose yourself and shut people out.

You never listen to others and you think your right all the time, but when they reciprocate that, you get angry. But aren't they just being like you? Don't you understand that? I still don't get why...What made you do it? Now that i know the cause, i feel that it was much better not knowing at all. At least back then, you were much higher in my books. Now though, i can't even look at you. Its not just because of this, but rather a combination of things and its all adding up. Friends aren't supposed to ditch each other, but if you don't open up and include us in, then how are we supposed to help?

And that ever familiar feeling of being used, it just doesn't seem to go away. If i am that guy you find when theres no one else and you need company, then so be it. But please don't say that we're close or anything, cause it doesn't look like it now does it? All this while, i didn't bother cause i knew that if i was to mention it, you'll just shut off and get angry, Don't say it isn't that way,cause you know it is. I try to mention it in a joking manner, but i don't think it gets through, or that you don't take it in. But let me ask you this, if one day, everything just disappears from under your feet, what are you going to do?..No one and nothing. I know that there are so many other people out there that can replace me and i really want your friendship which is why i always agree to what you say/do. I really don't know what I'll do if we ever stop talking. So for goodness sake, please listen and change, cause inadvertently, you are just driving me away and that is the total opposite from where i want to be. I don't know where i stand and i probably won't have the balls to ask you, but in some form or another, just give me a sign and that'll be good enough.

2007-12-03T20:55:00.000+08:00

8.57pm

its a nice, refreshing, chilly Mon night and it feels so good to just sit here and stare out the window and feel the breeze. just me,myself and i.no nonsense or whatever.nobody to please and definitely nobody to make use of me.

i can vaguely remember that i touched on this topic when i was in cj, but i guess i haven't yet learnt my lesson. am i just that plain dumb to not realise when I'm being made use of??...no clue balls. i mean is it hard to believe that there is a guy out there who is actually nice and doesn't want to be like a jerk and so on??..i don't know balls. just crappy shit that life throws at you. hey,i guess that's why they coined the phrase "nice guys finish last"...well,I'd rather finish last any day then be a jackass. its just not me,not my way of doing things. I'd rather just put up and shut up than walk around like some fucker. well, i wont lie la, i definitely have been like that before, but its not something i wish to redo again.

you have no clue how tiring it can be trying to defend you and the way you function and add in other people as well and the constant mental battle of trying to defend them and trying to be as politically correct as possible, all at the same time is a freaking tiring job. i just hope that one day you remember who stood up for you cause at times, it just seems that I'm there to fill in. they say that you should be happy internally for what you have done, but I'm the kind of character who every once in awhile needs that external word of praise/thanks, to give that extra motivation to go on. just that feeling that you are being appreciated....but whatever la, slowly and slowly, everyday I'm getting fed up with all the nonsense that goes on. don't get me wrong, school has definitely been great as a whole this sem, but there are individual things that just seem so fucking retarded that i can't believe that i actually am involved.hahaha. like so what the fuck. everything comes at a price and i guess that that is this term's life lesson for me.

all this times have been so fucking good, although i know you but i can never seem to understand you. therein lies my biggest fault i guess and its so stupid...sometimes it is my fault cause i do get stuck in moments and take awhile to get over them. but i can't help it that's just who i am. I'm just wired differently from the other guys around. guess you can call it my manufacturing defect......shit,OK lost my train of thought already.hahaha. argh fuck it never mind...

2007-11-29T22:29:00.000+08:00

10.31pm

man life is good...its been what,6weeks into the new sem and we are already approaching like term tests and term break...the A level peeps already finished with their "hell" so now can catch up with them..already did with pok arh,go play soccer and go queensway together...good old times balls...looking forward to more...maybe a meet up with the yj folks as well??..dunno about that though,depends on them..like suddenly feeling that for a self declared loner, i suddenly seem to have so many "friends" to like meet up with or catch up with..but its like so superficial arh...if i am in trouble right,who will i turn to??...no clue man...off the top of my head,I'd say pk..ok la, i mean there are more than that, but i don't.. its like i hate this feeling of superficial friends,but at the same time, i want more friends too...like so WTF...

anyway, u know the quote "too much of a good thing is a bad thing"...i think that may apply right now..i got commitments all over the place now that, when they merge, its making me feel so uncomfortable...i joined to kinda like create my own space and all, but when it clashes with other stuff, it really makes things just plain uncomfortable...my biggest nightmare would be that i have to choose between one of u....i can honestly say that i cant...how can i??..like so bastard arh,to choose one over the others....eventually i get the feeling that i will disappoint all sides and like become "emo" kid again arh...really dun want that nor do i wanna quit halfway, like i always do...fuck la..this is confusing shit man..hahahaha...making no sense arh...this what happens when u ain't got money to smoke and your brain is running on a weird combo of eng rock/jap rock/stale smoke...hahahahhaa....

(i want more linkin park songs...gotta raid bj's ipod soon.....)

2007-11-23T00:15:00.000+08:00

00.13am

i have nothing to blog about anymore...there used to be some creative force within me when i started at tp..even did some song writing,although there was no tune to it..but now,its all blank..cant even think of anything substantial to talk about...just know that all the projects are catching up and I've yet to do anything about them..die...

i was thinking that ever since i started blogging regularly,i always said that i was gonna change this and that and blah blah blah...i went on about not letting myself get affected by some girl or friends or more recently, quit smoking for pple...what a bunch of BULLSHIT...who the hell am i kidding balls..haha..i never complete anything i start on..after awhile i just resort back to the same shit again and again...like i never learn my lesson...not that I'm falling for any girl now though,inside is still filled up,so nothing new going in...not even pk's pretty friend janice!!..ahahaha...so cool sia, wed first time get to talk to her cauz of pk and val,then just now in sch, she recognise and wave to me..how cool is that balls....pretty girl wave to me sia..self esteem just rose to about 100%..hahahah...couple that with my impromptu public speaking speech going better than expected and the fact that i managed to get into ccm ig means it was one helluva week man...so upbeat sia this term..hope some of it spreads to you,cauz u damn well know u can use some..hahahah...

2007-11-18T00:17:00.000+08:00

12.19am

i was sooooo bored i decided to go blogskins.com to see whats the latest blogskins around...well,when i found the linkin park section,i just had to change the skin..linkin just fucking rules!!!....haha...practically grew up with the band,right from their first album "hybrid theory", all the way to the recent one "minutes to midnight"....there was a change in their music,but hey, that's life..evolution...so yea,LP is my new blogskin..haha...plus theres music!!..woohoo..haha..finally learnt where to find get the codes and stuff...haha...okok,must start with tutorials and projects already...

2007-11-14T20:44:00.000+08:00

8.43pm

what the fuck man..today was "ditch dinesh"day arh...supposed to go watch movie with cliff today at 5pm in town..arnd 4.45 he calls me and says his dad wants him to go buy shoes or something..damn wasted arh...so decide to stay for giggs..but then apparently no one is staying arh..sep n nibbs exercising and pk and val going home..what the heck man...didn't bring extra clothes so couldn't join nibbs..maybe thought wait for pk and val,but they wanna 22 back i think,so ask me go home first...in the end,it was micah,sunny and me going home reluctantly arh...all don't wanna go back,but got no where else to go...damn sian arh...feeling very angsty sia...need to kick the ball around,so cooped up at home and nearly all my friends are attached which means after school hours is for loved ones and cant really ask them to go out..bloody hell mate...but never mind, A levels ending soon,then can play all the soccer i want...cant wait balls...

on the way back with micah,discussing guitar...damn,i need to start practising..apparently,he and randall wanna play "wonderwall" at this lecturer appreciation day or something..would be so cool to join them arh,but cant play for nuts..realised i have this lack of sustainability..wanna play guitar,so i go buy,then i find out i slow learner,i kinda give up...switched to bass,but since i cant afford one,i gave up playing again...but mike's like advising me to pick it up again..would be nice to play arh,at least can entertain myself,unlike now...nowadays,i go school must talk as much as i can and as much nonsense as i can,cause when i reach home,its lock down mode...no talking just sit in front of the tv or lappie...damn this sucks...cant wait for them A levelers to be done..much more things to do after that..hmm,can only think of this song right now,angsty song for angsty mood...hahaha...

Sum 41 - The Hell Song
Everybody's got their problems,
Everybody says the same thing to you.
It's just a matter of how you solve them,
And knowing how to change the things you've been through.

I feel I've come to realize,
How fast life can be compromised.
Step back to see what's going on,
I can't believe this happened to you.
This happened to you.

It's just a problem that we're faced with,am I
Not the only one who hates to stand by.
Complications ended first in this line,
With all these pictures running through my mind.

Knowing endless consequences,
I feel so useless in this.
Get back, step back, and as for me,
I can't believe.

Part of me, won't agree,
Cause I don't know if it's for sure.
Suddenly, suddenly
I don't feel so insecure.

Part of me, won't agree,
Cause I don't know if it's for sure.
Suddenly, suddenly
I don't feel so insecure.
Anymore

So everybody's got their problems,
Everybody says the same thing to you.
It's just a matter of how you solve them,
What else are we supposed to do?

Part of me, won't agree,
Cause I don't know if it's for sure.
Suddenly, suddenly
I don't feel so insecure.

Part of me, won't agree,
Cause I don't know if it's for sure.
Suddenly, suddenly
I don't feel so insecure.
Anymore

Why do things that matter the most,
Never end up being what we chose.(Anymore)
Now that I find no way so bad,
I don't think I knew what I had.(Anymore)
Why do things that matter the most,
Never end up being what we chose.(Anymore)

Now that I find no way so bad,
I don't think I knew what I had.

2007-11-13T22:47:00.001+08:00

10.47pm

well pk,I'm blogging now ok...don't bomb my blog,that's the terrorists' job(ie: mine!!!)..hahaha

just didn't have any inspiration to blog these last few weeks..what can i say??...life's been good,having plenty of laughs in school and hanging out...afew of them actually came over for deepavali,which totally made my day..actually,more than afew la haha..around 10..but it was good fun..the more i go to school,the more i realise i have a fucking high need for affiliation..haha..thats OB coming back to me..haha...yea,just need someone,anyone actually..ok,not really true..just that watching all the stupid american movies just builds up false hope in u and u find that reality ain't exactly what it looks like on the screen...

was on the way back with micah today and we were talking about this shit...how previously it used to be "pimps" getting the chicks and now its the "nerds" getting the girls..but it never seems to come true in real life..like randall says, that sucks ass...my friend said that i always happen to fall for nice girls who just happen to fall for nicer guys..hahahahha...actually seems quite true u know..hahaha....its a pretty primitive way of putting things...but its all cool, i guess smiling really does make everything better...u feel good,they feel good,its all good!!!..hahahaha...cauz in the end what counts is whatever that makes her happy..with him,she is fucking happy,so right choice...no bad feelings there at all..it'll be weird,but hey,better than being total strangers right...yea,I'll have my own feelings which will be private and hidden deep inside,but more importantly,as her friend i am bloody happy for her and wish her all the best,sincerely.....

now time for a new song...its by paramore and its called misery business..they're actually a bloody good band and quite good music too..kinda punk but the lead singer's voice is so sexy...wish i can upload the video of the song,but i cant,so its just the music and lyrics...

Paramore - Misery Business
I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top
She's got a body like an hourglass it's ticking like a clock
It's a matter of time before we all run out...
When I thought he was mine, she caught him by the mouth

I waited eight long months
She finally set him free
I told him I couldn't lie, he was the only one for me
Two weeks we had caught on fire
She's got it out for me, but I wear the biggest smile

Whoa... I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa... it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But God does it feel so good'
Cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would'
Cause God it just feels so...
It just feels so good

Second chances they don't never matter, people never change
Once a whore, you're nothing more, I'm sorry that'll never change
And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged
I'm sorry honey, but I passed up, now look this way!

Well there's a million other girls who do it just like you
Looking as innocent as possible to get to who
They want it what they like, it's easy if you do it right

Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!

Whoa... I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa... it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But God does it feel so good
Cause I got him where I want him right now
And if you could then you know you would
Cause God it just feels so...
It just feels so good...

I watched his wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving you
Just watch my wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving... (awesome guitar solo here!!!)

Whoa, I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now...

Whoa, I never meant brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa... it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But God does it feel so good
Cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
Cause God it just feels so...
It just feels so good

2007-10-26T00:48:00.000+08:00

12.46am

well,its been a funny week...had my first CDS tutorials and i gotta say they both are pretty fun..only that the psych tutor seems like a boring old man...that really sucks..

u know the saying "when u hit rock bottom,the only way is up"..i had no freaking clue how true it was..this morn,halfway thru comm skills, Micah dragged me off for a smoke and i had to admit,i was feeling pretty low and down and etc...this entire week,i was wondering what the heck am i still in school for..kinda just lost focus and the concentration...all in all,I'd say i hit rock bottom..but i finally got to spend some time with peeks and boy was that helpful..i don't know why, but the things she explained was supposed to "hurt", but they don't..i mean if i heard it yesterday or something, I'd probably bet I'll be like some super emo kid right now...but now,after hearing it all(i guess its all) i don't feel anything??........

no,that's not true..there still is that knot in my heart that doesn't go away..but other than that, I'm ok with everything..its cool...i guess its the same old feeling..like on the pitch, with an open goal,u completely fluff it..it hurts the first few times,but after awhile u get used to it..then it just becomes routine...my open goal misses would be arnd 6 now i think..yea arnd there..lost count already..haha..story of my life..just cant seem to put in the back of the net,maybe i try too hard..hmm,who knows..who cares...hahha..yup definitely feeling more upbeat now..thanks pk..something about her presence that just calms me and brings me to my senses...i believe its the way she handles herself..with poise,dignity and respect...she wont admit it,but theres class written all over it,that's gotta be respected...yup,definitely lots of R E S P E C T on my part...thanks a million peeks...

deadman signing out

2007-10-22T21:30:00.000+08:00

9.29pm

arh yes,school has restarted again...abit weird the timetable..i get to start late but ofcauz that means the end of the day is also later..hey,u win some u lose some..that's life..well,as of today,the timetable seems fine..

felt weird going back...esp during the 2hr break..like u don't belong there..and ofcauz pretending that alls well doesn't help too..it becomes calming after awhile,but its not right...hopefully sooner rather than later i get some sort of answer?..i don't know..I'm guessing u read what i sent and since theres no reply,then your happy with how things are?..and well........................i don't know..everyones happy then I'm not gonna be the one to create a fuss..just put up and shut up..yea,that's gotta be the way...play the waiting game..and if u don't reply,then i guess i have the answer..either way,I'll get an answer..so just gotta shut up and wait...oh ya,another great song,always by bon jovi...

deadman signing out

Always - Bon Jovi

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
If you told me to cry for you, I could
If you told me to die for you, I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

2007-10-19T20:18:00.000+08:00

8.17pm

ok,i followed the link from sep's blog and this is what i got..kinda true u know..esp the 2nd and 3rd part of it...nearly 100% right...amazing??..i think not..hahaha

Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.
Being impulsive and irritable, your desires and needs are paramount. You do things with insufficient thought - with little regard to the consequences that may follow. As a consequence of this attitude, you may be experiencing stress and conflict.
All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be. You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo. There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and let go.

deadman signing out

2007-10-17T22:01:00.000+08:00

10.01pm

well,i was at work today when my uncle (the boss) came in and went around doing his usual inspection and all..then he stopped and asked what i had learnt so far(since sat is my last day),working in a petrol station..so i replied, pumping petrol and being a cashier and doing the accounts checking......ofcauz,this wasn't what he was expecting...he wanted something beyond face value,beyond your "tasks" at work..and ofcauz, i had no idea what he was talking about..

then he explained..first and foremost, customer service is the most important aspect...even though its a petrol station,how do u make sure that the customers come back everyday to pump petrol from your station only??...u have to make sure the people u hire are competent and reliable,they have to provide excellent service so that people want to come back, and ofcauz,since u are selling things, u have to make sure the products are presentable and so on.....now,i was wondering why in the world is he telling me all of this..but then he linked it up all for me..its the same thing running a restaurant...it comes back to customer service/satisfaction..if people are provided good service,they come back and u have business..i mean they teach all culinary skills in sch,but not anything hands on about customer service and so on(at least,i don't think so!)..so what my uncle said made sense to me..i can learn to cook anytime,but if i know how to please the customer, then i have created my own sort of brand loyalty..and that's the reason why my uncle hired me in the first place..it wasn't cauz i was his sis's son, but rather cauz he had a dream once to open a restaurant too, but he couldn't and now that i have that dream, he's giving me an opportunity to learn what he's learnt about customer service and building a customer base..

and ofcauz, theres more than just that..what i learnt in theory in OB, i actually see it work out in a real life scenario..i remembered at the chalet BJ or Sheena was making fun that i should really go get a proper job..but all along,i was in a proper job...i work long hours and earn peanuts,but at this stage in life,its about the lessons not the money.......

which makes going back to school so damn fucked up now...i really don't want to go back..theres so much to learn at a petrol station..its not glamorous, but at least i get something out of it..plus the people there are so down to earth..they're just your average joes..at the start of the holiday,i was yearning for company..then i just went back to my secondary school self..the recluse..it has worked so well so far..work,jog,smoke,sleep..then do it all over again,everyday...it was beautiful...now i got to go back to school..dread is the word here...ever since the chalet,there just has been this lingering nervousness about school...could i do an Andrew??..ha ha,definitely not..my mum would never in a thousand years let me quit school again..haha..just wishful thinking..the 2ND half of the hols gave me so much..now school just looks like a barren wasteland..whose there anyway??..noone...

deadman signing out

U2-Beautiful Day

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day

2007-10-14T09:36:00.000+08:00

9.38am

while most pple slept on Fri to "recover" from the chalet, i spent the whole of Fri on the couch watching TV from 8am to 8pm...damn shiok actually..but the end result was me slping on sat 4pm till now..my parents got so scared i didn't wake up that they were damn nice this morn arh..hahahahha...

well,the chalet was pretty cool, i guess the only downside of being the organiser,was that i forgot all about the activities and we pretty much did nothing in the early morning..haha..sry guys..the seniors were at downtown east and they're a pretty cool bunch too,nice guys...anyway,i kinda wasted my money cauz i bought 12cans to drink but i rationed too much and only ended up drinking like 4cans..real pathetic..what a waste of money..another thing i realised was that I'm so used to working, i pretty much forgot all about being with crowds..damn..by 11pm,i was already in the room upstairs alone,trying to slp,until bj and aaron came to disturb..hahah..anyway,ya basically chalet was cool..gd way to prepare for sch...

oh ya, russ if your reading this, when i said sry to u, i was just admitting that what i did was wrong..not that what u said/did was right...dude,we can be friends but not brothers or anything..i dun really believe in that..i know outside, u and me are alot alike..the smokes/drinks/soccer/music and so much more..but deep down,we are different pple..hope u understand mate..

and peeks,i dun have readers la..hahaha...just been busy with work..9-5 u know..haha..slp early and wake up early..that's been the life so far..cya when sch reopens...

deadman signing out

doodle

2007-10-06T06:45:00.000+08:00

i came here to doodle, not knowin what to do and am too lazy to copy your tag thg over. stop tryin to act mysterious and start appearin online can? hahaha! your readers prolly thot you've gon mad, guess who i am!!! hoho. there, it's a hint. hahaha! anw why is your create post settin different frm mine? mine doesnt have the link thg.. unfair! gahh!` okie, enough of doodles. bb!

2007-10-05T20:39:00.000+08:00

8.41pm

hmm..well,nothing great took place in the last few days, so aint got much to say..but got another great song...

Jimmy Eat World - Here You Me

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
I thought I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in

And if you were with me tonight,I
'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in

deadman signing out

2007-10-02T21:50:00.000+08:00

9.48pm

been awhile man..new job,new surroundings...but its good,going well..who knew working at a petrol station was fun..hahahha...but it really is..anyway,became a recent believer of karma..what goes around, comes around..it really does..so well,kinda paid for what i did already....made peace..so thats cool...payday's coming up,that sounds like a fun thing..haha...chalet too..looks like mostly everyone's paid up, so everything looks settled..looking forward to it..anyway,just managed to get my hands on this song,one of the best love songs,in my opinion..just great to listen to..not much time nowadays to blog or msn or anything,but lots of time to listen to great songs at the station, playing 987fm or class 95 or power 98 everyday..haha...so shiok..hahaha...taking each day as it comes..no more pissing people off

The Calling - Wherever you will go
So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a greater wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone could you make it on your own.

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you, through the darkest of your days
If a greater wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Well then I hope there's someone out there
who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go

deadman signing out

2007-09-22T15:37:00.000+08:00

3.37pm

What Went Wrong - Blink 182
I'm sick of always hearing
all those sad songs on the radio
all day it is there to remind
an over sensitive guy that he's lost and alone, yeah

I hate our favorite restaurant,
our favorite movie, our favorite show
we would stay up all through the night
we would laugh and get high, and never answer the phone

I can't forgive, can't forget
can't give in, what went wrong?
cause you said this was right
you fucked up my life

I'm sick of always hearing
sappy love songs on the radio
this place, it's fucking cursed and it's plagued
and I can never escape when my heart it explodes

I can't forgive, can't forget
can't give in, what went wrong?
cause you said this was right
you fucked up my life

I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me
what went wrong?
I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me
what went wrong?
I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me
what went wrong?
I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me
what went wrong?
I'm kicking

just when it all seems to be dark, light can be seen at the end of the tunnel..where it leads to,no idea..but following the light is a much better idea than just wallowing in the dark and waiting...

deadman signing out

2007-09-19T16:24:00.000+08:00

4.52pm

everyday i wake up thinking that things would be different..but everyday i go back to sleep disappointed..theres a new hiding place - work.. no one knows me there,i can just keep my head down and have that company around me,without the need to attach myself to them...

6 out of 7 days in a week,i wish to meet and see yall..but on that 7th day when we do meet,i wish i was somewhere else...suddenly the closest feel like total strangers and strangers feel like close ones...so the simple option is to work..run away,flee from the problem - which up till now i have no clue as to what it really is..how sad is it to run from the unknown..people run away from something they know,i don't even have that luxury..sad times...but the funny thing is that nothing works..u can run,but only for so long..u can hide,but only for so long..and u can be sad for so long..i mean I've been through all the emotions already - confused,upset,angry,emo,sad
the only thing missing is joy/happiness/peace...anyone of those will be fine..so do i wait for others to be ready before i can finally find my peace??..i don't know..i really don't know anymore..

through out all of this,i keep putting myself in the foreground,probably am doing it right now still..but i think its time to step back..when its my time,i will find peace, be it on my own or through someone..i have my talisman to keep me company while the others get over "stuff",although in my eyes,they seem to be having rather lot of fun while getting over things..but like i said in the previous post, no more..numb,that's all that's running through my body,mind and soul..no one should feel forced to tell me anything, no one owes me anything..if u think i should be included, then tell me..if not, don't need to think u owe me anything...all i want is to find some small measure of peace that we all seek,but few ever find..

2007-09-17T10:12:00.000+08:00

10.12am

numb..nothing left,that can hurt now..i like it this way..very nice!! haha :)

Here I Stand - Madina Lake

Here i stand, all alone,tonight
and i wish i was strong enough to breathe
Without you, in my life,
I wish i was anyone but me.

So I'll start to pretend I'm ok
But you should know by now that
my life is smoke and mirrors,
The one thing is crystal clear
that i'm the one wishing i was someone else,
Anyone but me tonight

Inside i start to fall apart
and i'll pretend I'm holding on
So i guess i'll bleed in silence,
i guess i'll bleed in silence

Here i stand, all alone,tonight
and i wish i was strong enough to breathe
Without you, in my life,
I wish i was anyone but me.

2007-09-13T11:30:00.000+08:00

11.32am

woa..yst was a blur..had BBQ with the rest and it was good..actually spent most of the time with Aaron,cauz everyone else was busy doing their own things..luckily he came,if not no BBQ and no company for me..hahhaa..selfish thoughts..haha..anyway he brought Chivas and later on at night,i just kept drinking more Chivas and less mixer..boy does that suck..add in the cigs and that was it..high to the max..it was so bad,i think i puked more than once i think..not sure..in fact,i cant rmb how i got home..i know i was with sep and pk..that's all..nothing else about yst comes into my head..i think bj and me both were high and we were talking cock at the back,while walking to somewhere,cant really rmb where..seriously cant rmb shit balls..i know i slept in the toilet cauz i kept puking and my dad woke me up at arnd 5am..luckily he didn't say anything..new resolution,I'm sticking to beer at chalets and BBQ and no more hard liquor..

anyway,dunno how i got back,so i owe sep and pk a big thanks i think..i believe its them that i came home with..damn,cant even rmb this..hahaha..ok,not exactly a laughing matter........woa,can still feel the effects..stomach still abit funny..dun think I'll go work today,no condition to sit in the aircon office,I'll just freeze there or something....listening to simple plan now..just keeps me awake...nice songs..kinda lame abit,but good enough for now..

I'm Just A Kid-Simple Plan
I woke up it was 7,I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think i got a lot of friends,but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight
And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own
and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

What the hell is wrong with me?
Don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
And every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight

I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
Cause I'm just a kid tonight

deadman signing out

2007-09-08T23:48:00.000+08:00

11.51pm

arhh,finally back from work..hhaha,yup its sat and i was busy working..things starting to look up abit at work,made a couple of friends n found some direction as to what I'm doing..hopefully tmr i can clinch sales to aid the team..but that's another story..

most people i know go to jobs where they're paid by the hour and they just do as they're told..my job is not by the hour,so the 5 hours i spent there today,was not worth anything financially,but i did learn something..in fact every time i go,i realise that Alvin has some important lesson to teach me..its based on work,but at the same time,it can be applied to your general life..like my previous post was based on him telling me about feeling a sense of belonging to the company..and today i learnt that rejection is actually a learning tool..i mean everyone knows that,but only when u experience it,do you actually know what it means...in Alvin's words,"when u receive all that shit everyday,one day you find that when it comes,you are immune and it doesn't affect you anymore"..

he was talking about rejections in business deals and work..but that can be turned around and applied to life as well..one always receives rejections in life..love,friends,family,society...u name it and this "theory" can be applied..have friends who don't seem to be there?..instead of feeling down and sad, use it to improve yourself..take that shit and make yourself more independent..learn to read others better before trusting them, learn not to be dependent as much on friends....see,theres so many positives to take from this,rather than just mop around on the negatives...take all the shit u can now..sure,in the short run you will feel demoralised and down and upset..but learn to have that thinking where you see the positives and then whenever shit happens,you aren't fazed by it..you are no longer affected whenever things go wrong,cauz you have learnt to deal with shit..

deadman signing out

2007-09-06T14:44:00.000+08:00

2.45pm

yst i was watching the replay of the 2nd leg of the Man Utd vs Roma Champions League Quaterfinal from last season..the one where Utd won 7-1..and i realised something that didn't occur to me before..everyone was praising the brilliance of giggsy and ronaldo and rooney,the star players..but everyone forgot about the likes of fletcher,brown n smith..those aren't the stars of the team..they dun contribute to the attacking brilliance of Man Utd,but they do the "dirty" work..they tackle,run their lungs out and get hurt in the process..but they never get recognised for their work..i mean its no use having a team of stars if no one does the dirty work..but then how do u get the motivation to play,when u know that even in your most brilliant game,u wont get the praise u deserve and earned??..

the answer i realised was teamwork and a sense of belonging...they were a part of Man Utd,no man was bigger than the team..when u felt part of something,u gave it your all and didn't care if your efforts were recognised or not..deep down,u wish u would be recognised,but if u didn't,u will still carry on doing what u do best because u knew that no one else would be willing to do it for no recognition..but once in awhile,u lose focus because when in a team of stars,u want to be like them..u incorporate their qualities into you and you then forget what u brought to the team..when that happens,u lose your sense of belonging and no longer feel a part of anything..you feel felt out and alone..that's when unity is disbanded and great teams fall apart..

i am in a great team and i know what i brought into it..i felt a sense of belonging,but then i let my head rule my heart and i wanted to be a "star"..but that wasn't me and now,theres no sense of belonging but sense of solitude..luckily it has not gone to the extent of the team falling apart,but sometimes signs can be noticed..so how to cure this problem?..well,some managers might be tempted to bring someone new in or just kick out the "wannabe"..but i think the best way is for the person to go back to their old ways..realise what u bring to a team and always make sure to bring it every time..don't aspire to be a star when u know u are better suited for the role of a second stringer or backup..cause every great team has great backups for the stars..when u are a great backup,your team will recognise your value and treasure you for it..if they don't,then u are on the wrong team..but always remember to be yourself first and bring your best every time..every else will work out just fine...

deadman signing out

2007-09-04T11:03:00.000+08:00

rumblings/grumblings
solitary confinement,that's what this hols is about..not me being locked up,but i want to be locked up..no contact,no attachment..damn i miss the times when i was in st gabs,all alone by myself..no need for others,not dependant and wanting companions...nowadays,gotta force myself to be like that,it came naturally before...but at least I'm doing it,so that's something good there..

dunno why though,but just lost the urge..i miss it,but when it does happen,i just dun wanna be there?..i dunno..cauz as much as it is a group thing, theres always mini groups..and the deadman's the odd man out..i dunno if its just me,or its the truth,but that's how it feels like..maybe just too much time on my hands...but the ipod's been pretty useful through out...oh well,if they want me there,they'll call i guess..if not,then its ok..somehow the deadman has to function with or without,although i didn't think that was possible..its all about perception i guess, u think of it in one way n i think of it in another..different people,different views on the same issue..just gotta live with it..yup..when it does happen,I'll try to enjoy cauz it does mean something to me...but its different when your on the outside looking in..oh wells,enough rumblings

deadman signing out

2007-08-31T00:53:00.000+08:00

expression

well,the exams are over and the hols have begun...and it is fucking boring!!!...everyday just download movie and watch them,then do it all over again..got a job,but its purely commission based which isn't helpful..but what the heck,theres abit of cash coming in and its all going into a perfectly good cause..and its not a personal wish list..only gonna get myself a ring and hair dye with my pay..the rest is for 2 special pple's birthdays..

anyway,so basically a sem's over...pretty quick actually..learned alot balls..about myself n others and friendships and love and so on...its actually a really enriching experience..i mean u really find about yourself and what of person u are when u get thrown into poly life..my personal opinion anyway..

met some great pple, knew some not so great pple..had some really happy moments and some really sad emo ones too..kind of experienced abit of everything..made me re-discover who i am,where I'm going and stuff like that..not bad..

also,i re-discovered a feeling i didn't have since the 53 gal..the one when u look at a gal and feel...I've liked gals before,but no one compared to 53 gal,till now that is...shes someone different,someone unique and someone definitely worth just thinking about...didn't feel it right away,but as i got to know her,the feeling just came..she has what Jesse McCartney rightly says,"beautiful soul"...man,wish she could be mine...but cant..this is one time,it really has to be kept in,unknown to her..but that doesn't mean i cant say I'm in love..cauz i am balls!!!..haha..some say love is a big word,but i think for her,its worth using...alrighty then,enough said...time to ciao..

deadman signing out

2007-08-29T02:06:00.000+08:00

the end of an era...a sad day for manu fans all over,but the "baby-face assassin" has been forced to call it quits..thank you for a memorable 11yrs,every one was a fantastic campaign..a true red devil,all the way...No.20 shall always be remembered..so weird to know that he wont be comin off the bench to rescue United anymore..but atleast he's stayin at the club...His service wont be forgetten...thank you Ole..

deadman signing out

2007-08-26T21:32:00.000+08:00

something i picked up today

"happiness that doesn't cause harm to anyone is well worth showing, but even a small smile that can hurt someone, should not be shown"

just a thought for the day..wasted the weekend away and tmr's food science paper..so gonna die..tryin to cram everything in now..but manu's playing at 11pm,so only got an hr n half to cram..unless i continue after the game?..hmm..dunno arh..see how it goes...

deadman signing out

2007-08-23T19:39:00.000+08:00

crunch time..exams are here and its gonna be a whirlwind next few days...this time next wk,i can bask in the sunshine of the hols..but before u can enjoy,u gotta put in the hard work...prepared to do that,the usual last min chiongin..becomin the story of my life...anyway,heres a few concerns to get off my mind before starting to prepare for exams...strangely,none are exam related..

"Thought I was focused but I'm scared.I'm not prepared.I hyperventilate,looking for help somehow somewhere but no one cares"

"Wake in a sweat again.Another day's been laid to waste,in my disgrace.Stuck in my head,feels like I'll never leave this place.There's no escape!"

"I'm strong on the surface.Not all the way through.I've never been perfect,but neither have you"

"Don't resent me.And when you're feeling empty,keep me in your memory"

"Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple.Sometimes good bye's the only way"

"I'm sick of being treated like I have before,like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for"

"I had hope,I believed.But I'm beginning to think that I've been deceived.You will pay for what you've done"

"I used to be my own protection, but not now.Cause my path had lost direction, somehow"

"What you build you lay to waste"

"All I've got's what you didn't take"

"The things I want to say to you get lost before they come out"

and this one last one,might truly sum-up what i feel

"Don't want to reach for me do you?I mean nothing to you?The little things give you away,and now there will be no mistaking,the bonds are breaking.Guess this is the end then"

deadman signing out

2007-08-22T02:00:00.000+08:00

back from studying at sep's place..pretty productive,got nearly all my notes already for ob n iht,so just need to read them now..anyway,was reading thru pk's entry and liked what she wrote.."only the best is worth waiting for"..damn straight balls...done alot of thinking recently and its time i got back to my usual self..no point sulking or pouting..thats not the way in to her heart,not the right way...so i'll go back to being my old self..i've said it a million times,but i think i finally got the balls to do it..felt abit of old myself coming back just now at sep's,but there was a couple of moments of the new moody me as well..it'll take time i guess...like pk put it,"only the best is worth waiting for"..anyway,heres some song lyrics to soothe the soul...i know it aint right and i have tried thinking its just a crush,but it isnt..it feels different and u are different compared to others..u are unique in your own way and i have to say,thats hot..ok,so heres "a lonely september" by plain white t's (just good to hear,no emotions felt when listening)

PLAIN WHITE T'S
"A Lonely September"
I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takesto leave the rest of the world behind

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you

2007-08-18T01:31:00.000+08:00

fuck off u hypocrites

always I'm the odd man out..the spare tyre as some would put it..everyone wants dinesh when they got problem to talk about..but who actually gives a damn about whats on my mind??..i was in a gd mood,but i see u ignoring me all day long,not even looking at me when u talk,talking to others and not saying a word to me..that got me upset..like what the fuck did i do??..when theres no one,then u can see me is it,but when we go out as a group i suddenly become invisible arh??..or u got cooler pple to hang out with,so u ditch the "emo" kid...whatever la..for your info,i really do care about u..i just don't have the balls to say it to u,so i put others up to show the concern for me..hopefully u get that point,cauz I'm are about this close to just stop caring already...

and when we go out as a group,if i got nothing to say,i will just plug in my ipod and drift away..that's not emo-ness OK..i dun wanna join in conversations halfway and talk cock all..u want me in,then i join..i know when I'm not wanted..so dun patronise me by pretending to ask whats wrong or hanging back to talk to me..that really pisses me off!!..if u wanted me to join in,then do so from the start,dun like feel sorry and ask me to join in..I'm not a sympathy case OK...and just for general info,if pple come for your b'day dinner,dun be an asshole and speak in chinese and whisper to your friends..in case your motherfucking dumb ass doesn't realise,i actually understand basic mandarin n i know what the fuck u were talking about..rude to leave out the non-chinese speaking pple,even more rude to make fun of them in a language they don't understand..u got balls,say it in english la..fucking pussy..

all i can say is thank god theres the study break coming up,where i dun need to see these fuckers..after that's,2 months break...i just cant wait..

deadman signing out

2007-08-16T23:10:00.000+08:00

love-hate-anguish-self discovery

for the first time in days,i actually felt like myself..i was upbeat,happy..i guess it was pk's presence this morn..supp to meet sep but she overslept,lucky pk was going sch at the same time...didn't really talk much on the bus,but her presence coupled with blink 182 songs just left a smile on my face..my mood was lifted and i actually felt good...all the hate and anguish was just simply forgotten..

the love's still there..in fact that's the reason why i was so down the last few days..not with anyone,but at myself..i tainted a friendship with this feeling i developed n we suffered accordingly..i feel u didn't want to be in my company..that smile and look in your eyes disappeared when u were arnd me,but when he was there,i could see it return..u lit up and shone..i want u to be like that always..i realised then n there,friendship came first...

self-discovery..the feeling's there,in fact its different from before,this time,its more intense and makes me do things I'd never do before..but right now,whats more impt is your friendship and the exams..i gotta be up for it and then after that shit's over,i can think about this...seeing all the other one-sided situations arnd me,i cant help but wonder if we will disintegrate like how some have disintegrated..i hope not..for the first time,I'd rather keep my feelings to myself rather than say how i truly feel,if that allows us to remain as friends...anything more is a bonus,a treasure..but I'm keeping my head out of the clouds for now..so all i gotta say is forgive me for my emo-ness/weirdness, i just want to go back to how we were before..my feelings will be kept in check and in control..

deadman signing out

2007-08-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

woa,never lost control like that before..what the hell was i thinking??..something could have seriously gone wrong..damn..so weak,succumbing to such an act..i swear i will never do it again ok..sry peeks,didnt mean to scare u with the msgs..just didnt know who to turn to..i wont do it again..thank u once again..i'll be normal again,no more moody deadman..it means too much to forgo for my own personal feelings..

head before heart - others before myself....i must follow this..a new deadman shall rise from the ashes of yst's moment of weakness...whether i actually will,thats another thing,but this new principle,thats what i gotta follow..hopefully that will change my mind n take it off things..i cant change myself,but i wont let it affect the others..no more

deadman signing out

2007-08-08T09:18:00.000+08:00

Somethings

somethings u just cant say
somethings that just wont sound right
somethings that'll spoil what we have
and somethings that could split us apart

but somethings i so wanna say
somethings i wanna scream out loud
somethings i wish i could express
but sometimes,its not meant to be

so many things running through my mind
and somethings just wont go away
somethings i gotta sort own my own
and somethings i need help on
-the end-

deadman signing out

2007-08-04T23:28:00.000+08:00

the feeling was the same as before...smthg i hadn't felt in wks..but the magnitude was worse..so much more,so much harder...

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
I made the same mistake
Like i always do

deadman signing out

2007-08-04T10:59:00.000+08:00

"its not who u are on the inside but the things u do which define u"

i always knew how true this was,but never realised the true meaning of it..still don't actually,but I'm beginning to get an idea of it..the inside of u will always be on the inside unless u choose to show it,n unfortunately for me, that's the side that never shows up............

OK,nvm,no idea where I'm going with that..just too many things on my mind..all the projs are done and all that's left are presentations and then,its the exams..only 20days away..damn..so many things,so lil time..take this wk end for example,i thought i could catch up some slp and just relax at home,but instead,i gotta go down for some job thingy at eunos,then go esplanade for baybeats and then toapayoh for my granny's b'day,all today..then gotta come hme and do some SIFE things cauz I'm helping them out tmr at vivo..so much for rest and relaxation..haha..okok,enough ranting...

how do i tell u..how can i tell u..its so dumb of me to think that way..but i couldn't help myself...NO,i cant..its not right..but i can almost imagine it at times...this is ridiculous..no,that's what i keep saying to myself..cauz theres bigger n better fishes out there right..not for me,but u...fuck,I'm becoming damn random already..

The ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

My life
You electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite

deadman signing out

2007-08-01T21:18:00.000+08:00

well,yst sch was dumb.comm skils trial OP was crap cauz well, aisha was very critical and all...she could even yawn through while we were presenting..dumbass teacher i've got..haha..nvm,the later part of the day was as randall likes to say,"sexy time"..haha

pk and gang booked the street soccer court and the netball court,but we didnt play much soccer..atleast they didnt..i just took the ball and kicked my heart out..felt so fucking good...then i tried playing netball, but its not my thing..haha..so we ended up playing "freeze n melt" on the netball court..hahaha..omg..it was fucking awesome..ran like a horse,just kept going n going..then after all of it,just lay on the court and looked up at the night sky..i dun really do such stuff,not my kinda thing,but yst,it felt so damn appropriate to do it...just laying there,forgetting everyone and everything..all the feelings,appropriate ones or not, everything just thrown up at the sky and taken off my chest..laid there for awhile till sep and bj came to join me..it felt nice..u know,just laying there and talking as if there was no worries in the world..bitching,laughin,basically just relaxing...so damn good...wish everyday could be like that..but it cant..life aint a bed of roses...gotta change,gotta adapt..need to accept change,thats what i learned in OB lesson...

why do we fall??
so that we shall learn to pick ourselves up again

if i could be like that
i would give anything
just to life one day
in those shoes

if i could be like that
what would i do
what would i do

what would i do to have what u have..no idea..been on my mind for awhile,but i guess theres no answer to that is there??..u have something special and its something i'm not meant to have it..thats life..i can live with that..eventually..i guess i've fallen too many times in TP and yet to pick myself up..gotta learn soon...

its not who u are on the inside,but the things that u do which define u

deadman signing out

2007-07-31T02:03:00.001+08:00

first and foremost, to the 2 best friends i've made in a long time, peeks and sep,words cant describe the thanx i wanna say..so hopefully,i'll let my everyday actions tell yall ok..haha

now,on to u..i've been nice while others arnd have given up..infact,i entertained u while others couldnt be bothered..but now, i realised that i'm becoming just like u..being cold to people arnd me,loud excessive voice...enough is enough..no more..so in the words of linkin park:

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
It's like nothing I can do would distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words I could say I
Put all pain you gave to me on display
But didn't realize instead of setting it free I
Took what I hated and made it a part of me
You've become a part of me
You'll always be right here
You've become a part of me
You'll always be my fear
I can't separate
Myself from what I've done
Giving up a part of me
I've let myself become you!!!

no more though..i shant let u ruin things anymore..i'd like to see u try,cauz i'll be there waiting and watching..1 wrong move towards the pple i care and i will not be nice anymore,1 wrong insult and u will see another side of me(and trust me,u dun want to)...this i guran-damn-tee you!!!

on to a brighter note, the new bon jovi album is such a great listen...i esp love summertime..such a catchy song..makes u wanna hop in a car,roll the windows down and drive off, with the wind in your hair...ahhhh,i cant wait to get my license,applying once exams are over...

deadman signing out

2007-07-23T23:34:00.000+08:00

the feeling's so good that i'm scared to let go of it..its so great that even though i'm having a blast, i cant help but wonder,"will it end?"...history says YES!!!!..its too good to last..it will end eventually..but i dun want it to..the joy of going to sch to with yall,just hanging and stuff..the occasional jacking..haha..its all just so great..but in the back of my mind,i cant help but wonder,will this last?...its not that i have no trust,but i feel inferior?..the din man can always be replaced,thats what i think...theres someone better out there?..dunno...anyway,just wanna thank u for listenin to all my crap and nonsense and sympathising and stuff...and the stuff u said,will be sealed unless u say otherwise...like u said,i shall live in the moment and try to make this last..cauz on some bright sunny days,i can imagine us all being lifelong friends..but all this recent talk of distances and problems between others' friendships made me realise how impt u guys are to me..so i tried to back off,incase anything happens,it'll be easy to get over..but all i did was create unnecessary trouble arh..but no more...its all out and i'll change..back to the gd old din..thats a promise..

deadman signing out

2007-07-23T00:42:00.000+08:00

over my head - SUM 41

What happened to you
You played the victim for so long now in this game
What I thought was true
Is made of fiction and I'm following the same

But if I try to make sense of this mess I'm in
I'm not sure where I should begin
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'

(chorus)
Now I'm over my head
for something I said
Completely misread
I'm better off dead
And now I can see
How fake you can be
This hypocrisy is beginning to get to me

It's none of my concern
Don't look to me I don't believe in fame
I guess you never heard
I've met our makers they don't even know your name

But if I had to say goodbye to leave this hell
I'd say my time has served me well
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'

[Chorus]

This came long before
Those who suffer more
I'm too awake for this to be a nightmare

What's with my disgrace
I lost the human race
No one plans for it to blow up in their face

Who said it was easy to put back all of these pieces
Who said it was so easy to put back all of these pieces

[Chorus]

Over my head
Better off dead

Over my head
Better off dead

2007-07-22T02:15:00.000+08:00

HOME-Chris Daugherty

I'm staring out into the night
trying to hide the pain
I'm tryin to go to a place where love
And feelin good dont ever cost a thing
And the pain u feel is a different kind of pain

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

2007-07-16T00:45:00.000+08:00

havent blogged in a long while man..lack of time's the prob..anyway,nothing much lately..just went to watch pk's friend play some bball milo tournament final where they lost..they werent bad,but the opponents were abit better..decent game..anyway,after that,ended up in pk's hse and the 3 of us were talking about parents and pk seemed damn serious about moving out when shes 21 and all..seems like sep and pk are like thinking about moving out of amk area and stayin near tp area arh...dunno why,but i dun want them too..like some lil kid,i dun want them to go..i mean i go sch with them,i come back with them,i hang out with them...damn sad if we all stay all over the place arh...just doesnt feel right..i mean these last few wks,if i come hme late,i'd always have them there till amk area,then its 10mins from there to my place..too attached to them already sia...

now i know why they say good friends are hard to comeby..i've barely known pk for a year and sep even less than 6mths,but already feel like so gd friends..dun feel that them being gals and me being a guy factors in at all arh..to me,its more than that..anything also can tell them,nothing to hide..i'm not the kind who needs many friends..afew gd ones is all i need..even though them moving is not confirmed, and that they are stil gonna be in tp,i still feel kinda down..dunno why..plus pk said she will be at sentosa for sem 2.2 i think..which means we wont get to see her for 5mths or so..dun feel like going sch arh..haha..meeting them once a day is damn good for me,but 5mths??..omg..i wont even miss my family as much arh..didnt know i was so attached to my friends..mean more to me,than my folks...rather stay up whole night than come hme and see my folks..and to top it all off,as i was comin hme and thinkin about this crap,this basket song(phil collins-you'll be in my heart)had to play..dun think the original meaning of the songs were meant for friendship,but now it is..hahaha..dunno...probably cauz its in the middle of the night,so abit emo..

For one so small
You seem so strong
This bond between us
Can't be broken

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Why can't they understand
The way we feel
They just can't trust
What they can't explain
I know we're different
But, deep inside us
We're not that
different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you,
But you got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me, you'll
be in my heart
I'll be there from this day on
Now and forever more

O, you'll be in my heart
(You'll be here in my heart)
No matter what they say
(I'll be with you)
Be here in my heart
(I'll be there, always)
Always

I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there always

deadman signing out

2007-07-08T12:47:00.000+08:00

life's been good..almost back to when i first came to poly..no girl to impress,just a few friends and hanging out with them and keeping my head down and doing my work..i look back at my previous entries and cant believe how much i felt for her,but now,its ok..its cool..i see them and i don't feel anything anymore,just happy for them..on the other hand,things aren't going so great for my 2 best friends in class..i hope whatever the outcome is,its in their best interests and its beneficial for them..on to grades now,and as a real shocker to me,i actually topped the class in both econs and ob..econs i kinda expected,but ob was the real surprise..i guess studying at subway does help..haha..the class bbq at cliff's hse was awesome..great to see alex and amos and the rest of the gang..jommed abit with alex for old times sake and the next day,xy cliff and me went to watch transformers along with sep,russ,randall n sheena..haha..my poly and jc friends mixing together..haha..the movie was awesome btw..absolutely fantastic in my opinion..haha

been for tp track as well..its actually quite slack la..haha...wanna go for more..haha..met pk's friend gary there as well..he n i can get along damn well arh..haha..met him on tues and the very next day,we ended up playing soccer after sch and all..haha..thurs we gymmed together..haha..pk says we click damn fast..he's just a nice guy and easy to crap along with i guess..haha..been hanging out alot with pk,val,adel,gary,sep and company..very nice actually,i'm like a joker,making racist jokes about myself and sometimes bastardin some of them..haha..but its all fun and games..no serious stuff..sch's looking up and i'm just relaxing and checkin out the babes and so on..haha..no more emo and no more love sick..time to just enjoy

deadman signing out

2007-06-30T23:40:00.000+08:00

hahaha...emo is so cool man..hahaha..feeling very high(no,i didnt smoke/drink)..okok..this time seriously no more already..no more time for emo-ness..pk just reminded me that theres only till august before we have final sem tests..that's way too early!!!..we just came back from break arh..basket...plus i found out that i failed food sci class test,which is 5% of final grade..VERY NICE!!...my new fav phrase,which i koped from randall..he stole it from borat and i took it off him..hhaha...VERY NICE..haha

anyway,about her,i'm pretty much ok with him going after her..its cool cauz he's a nice dude and they have that "spark" which is very impt to her..also,he's more of her type than me,so nvm...but i think i need to tell him about how i feel first,u know,clear all misunderstandings...think that mon or maybe tmr,if he comes,i'll tell him..make my position clear..i'm not gonna cauz any problems,just wanna be their friend,thats all..VERY NICE..haha..yup,thats just about it..doing tutorials now,cauz never seem to have time to do them during wkdays..

oh ya,yst met up with yang and alvin...supposed to be carys,qian,preena and the guys,but dunno what happened..haha..roamed arnd TM..laughed till stomachache..haha..yang's still the joker from before,but more gay arh..basket..haha..VERY NICE...haha..pk has pics of his gayness,must go take..haha..tmr,going cliff's hse,apparently theres a class bbq and everyones going..will be nice to meet up with pple like tarun(i keep seein his twin bro in tp!!),cliff,alex,amos and xy..i quit sch in march,now then we meet up..VERY NICE..haha..okok..no more crap,gotta finish OB tutorial..

deadman signing out

2007-06-27T22:36:00.000+08:00

i came up with this on the bus ride home...i just wish i can let u read this,but in the long run,for the friendship,its better that u don't...

wishing on a falling star

Its kinda sad when you see it take
place right in front of your eyes

You prepare mentally,
you expect the worst
But when you actually see it,
its all just too much to take

I just wanna walk away,
forgetting everything and
especially forget you

But i can't,cauz
its like your mocking me
It always happens whenever
we are all together,and as
much as i want to forget
and feint stupidity,
its like your throwing it in my face

I know you don't know shit
And its not your fault,
cauz u never meant for me
to fall for you,but its like

the devil wants me to completely
lose it,tempting me to blow up
with pictures of u and him
in my head

But its all right,this was one-sided
right from the start
and it shall remain one-sided
till time changes me

In the mean time,i won't come
between yall,I'll just keep out
and stay low,minding my own business
and wishing yall well

For as long as you are happy
and you have that smile on your face,
that's enough for me,
enough for now

Like I've said before,
i have rock in my head
and you in my heart
and that'll get me through
these fucked up days

Maybe one day we can all
just look back on this
and have a good laugh,
But till then,I'll be right here

just waiting on the sidelines,
hoping that one day,I'd
get a chance and get a shot
And till then,I'll just be
wishing on a falling star
-the end-

2007-06-22T21:25:00.000+08:00

its no longer the emo attack..but more of a sudden realisation,the games no longer the same..all it took was 1 change in the positions,and in this chess game,what started out as a fellowship,has quickly began to crumble...the players are moving on,to bigger better things..but way behind,left alone is one soldier..trying his best to catch up,but the rest are moving too fast in front..its getting too crowded upfront and he feels its his role to the one left out..he has to make that sacrifice and hope,somewhere along the line,someone will realise and come back for him...till then he has to make it on his own..through the hardships and the happiness,even when life mocks at him,he's got to stand up and fight..cauz surely,there'll be light at the end of the tunnel..on some days,he can almost see it...that soldier will live to fight another day!!!

I've gone back to basics..rock songs 24/7..no more sad emo songs,but hard rocking tunes...cradle of filth's hallowed be thy name..now that's gd shit..listening to these songs and thinking about you,now there's no reason to feel emo at all..hahah..i said I'll try to forget you,but screw it..i don't need to tell you how i feel,but it doesn't mean i can't go on liking you..that only shows how fake my love is...i will carry on,even if there's "no light in the tunnel"..with rock in my head and you in my heart,I'm starting to see how lame and stupid being emo is...(thanks Abel for waking me up from this deep emo slumber)...and with rock in my head and you in my heart,its time for a refreshed deadman when sch reopens...i guess it works out well in the end..

deadman signing out

2007-06-21T10:53:00.000+08:00

well,first and foremost,just wanna say congrats to russ and enihpes..FINALLY!!!..hahah..after god knows how long,u guys are together..ok,maybe not officially,but the general idea's there(gd enough la)..hahah..but I'm warning yall now arh,no kuku lover stuff in front of me..if must do,tell,and i go far far away to give yall privacy ok??!!..hahahaha...okok,seriously though,gd luck and all the best ya...

erm,moving on...on a personal note,I've started this new habit of writing down songs whenever i listen to any gd ones..unfortunately,most of them seem to be kinda emo and sad ones..last night,i even ended up writing a song just for her..didn't know why,but i couldn't sleep and didn't wanna go online..so i took my book and pen and just started writing..the result,a song that's aptly titled my own song,its kinda long,with no real tune to it..its not all original,i borrowed some lines from some songs,but it does include everything that's been through my mind these few days..so just in case,if u ever read my blog,here's a verse that i think pretty much sums it all up

I don't' believe that anybody
feels the way i do,about u now
Theres so many things I'd like
to say to u,but i don't know how

deadman signing out

2007-06-17T22:41:00.000+08:00

u have been on my mind ever since i got back from the chalet..try as i may,i just cant seem to find any spark between us..i mean,u really have everything i want in a gal..your kind,cheerful and bubbly personality is what i want,along with that beautiful smile and awesome eyes..that's all i need..but as fate would have it,u have everything,but there isn't any chemistry between us..so after thinking thru and talking with pk,i think its best if i just think of u as a friend...i mean,i dunno whats the situation with u and ran,and honestly if theres smthg going on,i dun wanna be the odd man out..so I'll leave it now and not look back..maybe in the future somewhere,somehow,we'll get together...but till then,i want u as a friend..that's all...will be hard to see u get together with another guy,but the deadman can control himself..jealousy wont rear its ugly head in me..i promise..as much as i wanted u to be the one,it seems like your not..so right here,right now,I'll stop "going after" u..these feelings wont disappear overnight,but give me time..I'll get over u and then we can be "just friends",as russ likes to say..one things for sure,you'll be a part of the memories of tp,once i'm done with this place...

deadman signin out

a freaking long post

2007-06-16T12:16:00.000+08:00

well,the chalet was madness...both in a gd and bad way..hhaaha..it was and all,going there early to book in and bringing lots of food even though we alr had a caterer..we sorta played bridge thru the afternoon and jommed with russ,randall and micah..then came the evening fun,with the cooking and eating and drinking..but as the evening came,darkness fell both literally and metaphorically...the only saving grace,for me at least,was when pk came..boy have i missed hanging out with her..it was supposed to be sep and me hanging out with her,but sep had problems of her own to settle that night which kinda preoccupied her mind..anyway,i got kinda high with the beer and the cigs and slowly but surely,i told pk what was on my mind..didn't mean to,but the highness just got me going and i couldn't stop..didn't know if i said everything,but i definitely told her about HER and other stuff..kinda relaxing to catch up and walk thru pasir ris park when we went to find sep and russ..anyway,jommed and drank with pk,good old times!!..haha..er,started playing some kinda dare game with her,sep,bj,russ,sheena,joceline,cherlie,sheldon and others..hahaha..i have videos of us doing kuku stuff..and ofcauz theres this compromising video of russ and me kinda looking like we kissed(we had to eat a twistie between our mouths)we may have touched lips,i dunno,cant and dun wanna rmb...hahah..yup,all that was funness...plus i gotta know cherlie,russ(the ang moh one)and this other gal called sue from o2..so ya,chalet was gd in that sense...

now for the metaphorical darkness...pple kinda went missing thru out the night,just walking off on their own and not telling anyone and i ended up as party pooper,calling them and finding out what everyone was doing..then sep had her own things to deal with which kinda brought a gloomy feel arnd her and it spread arnd to others..not her fault though,her situation was kinda bad..then jy decided he wanted to know whats it like to get high,so he drank some mixture shit and after 3 cups,started doing kuku shit..he eve went and had a puff from o1's nick,which was totally retarded..kinda got the feeling that ran's starting to have a problem with me..the more drinks he had,the more different his behaviour towards me became..guess its about HER,cauz sheldon had to open his big mouth in front of him and ask me "hows things going?",when i have no idea how he knows at all...ran and her are like gd friends?,i dunno..maybe they like each other,or he does?..i have no freaking clue and as the highness wore off,it started looking bleak and i wished we had more alcohol,cauz when i was high,i didn't give a fuck who did what and what SHE was doing..i sorta totally ignored HER when pk came,before that,i was taking walks with her,nothing romantic,but it was kinda reassuring..then after that,she didnt wanna talk no more and even went we went back on fri,the way she and he said bye,sorta left an impression that theres more to it than meets the eye..i dunna wanna cuz any problems if they have smthg going on,i'd rather back out now then cauz smthg and leave later..not that kinda dude..

i didn't know how it happened,but when the alcohol ran out at midnight,it was like all the demons came out to play and everything went from gd to bad..pk had left by that time and i was alone,trying to deal with the big problem of the night..didn't wanna fail my friends who needed my help in one way or another..thankfully,bj was there..i think she was kinda stressed out by everything as well,so we ended going for a walk and talking about i dunno what..but it felt good,she was very matured for her age and her thinking level was like WOAH...i now know what sep said about her..somehow,i think that class relationship levels may have taken a step back with this chalet..not everyone,but some..other friendships or possible friendships also may have taken a blow..and personally,my odds went from about 1:10000 to 1:1000000..but nvm,i think she might like me as a friend,so I'll go for that instead..keep the other stuff inside until necessary for it to be revealed..may never happen,but right now,all i want this to at least be her friend..on the way back yst,this was what was going thru my head...(this is all for u,if u ever read it)

I shouldn't love you but i want to,i just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but i can't move,i can't look away
I don't know how to make this feeling stop
Thought you should know,i've tried my best to let go
but i don't want to
It's getting hard to be around you cause
there's so much i can't say
And i don't know how to be fine when i'm not
Cause i don't know how to make this feeling stop
So i'll be waiting here,just waiting here

deadman signing out...

2007-06-11T22:41:00.000+08:00

i had a talk with a friend of mine afew days ago and the topic reached arnd to the fact that i seem to be "secret keeper" for quite afew pple..my friend asked "doesn't it affect u,keeping other pples secrets and all locked up inside of u??"..it got me thinking,cauz i hadn't thought of it in such a way before..i guess your right,it does affect me.. i mean your carrying other pples emo baggage arnd for them,so in the end it does come back to haunt u..but i just have this feeling that I'm supposed to do this..its like my "job" to lend a listening ear,cauz that's who i am..i dun talk alot,but i sure as hell do a damn gd job of listening..that's why,i guess i dun mind listening to others' stuff...cauz every now n then,everyone needs to have an outlet to destress..I'm just happy i can help my friends out in any way possible..and if it does get too much to handle,i just back off and stop taking things in,cauz theres only so much a guy can handle,before he explodes....

moving on,well this gal I've been talking about..i dunno..i mean she has everything i look for in a girl..but to me,we just cant click...all the conversations seem forced and not spontaneous..it feels that your just too kind,to ignore me and so u return my msgs and all..i really wanna know if theres any 'spark',but i cant keep talking to u constantly,cauz sooner or later,u will get irritated and there goes a friend..hmm,i'll see how it goes..like i've been telling russ,"just behave normally and see where things lead u to"...friends have been kind enough to 'help' me out,but i can see its starting to be abit annoying to continouly ask them what to say or msg..its alrite..the deadman can handle it by himself...somewhere along the line,i'll get things right and find her(whoever it may be)...heres the one song that always reminds me of u...

The Fray-Over My Head

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

anyway,for now,for her and pk and sep n others,the least i can do is to quit smoking,in return for their concern..it wont happen overnight,but i'll start cutting down and i hope that in a couple of months at the very least,i'll be free of it..if it happens,i promise,my treat at subways ok??...hahaha..maybe not completely smoke-free,but atleast only to the social level,once every few mths or smthg...i'll try..

deadman signing out

2007-06-06T20:43:00.000+08:00

how do u thank someone who just saved your life???? i mean literally saved your skin..i guess u start with a thanks..so russell,thanks big time man..i don't think I'll be here,blogging,if u had not pulled me up..thanks again..

basically,what am i talking about??..well,today we went sentosa..sep,sheena,russell,randall,sunny,wen hua,jy n me..it was so fun..just playing volleyball n soccer before we moved on to the water,where we dunked sep n sheena in..haha..i actually dropped sheena halfway while trying to carry her to the beach..felt so bad arh..so we spent like hours splashing arnd and then we decided to go swim across to the islets that are within 100m of siloso beach..about 3/4 of the way,i cramped up and i started shouting for jy and russell,who were the nearest..but at first they couldn't here..then i saw russell signalling to the lifeguard n that's all i saw before going under..next thing i know,i was being lifted up and stuff and i saw that russell was the one helping me up..then came the guard,in baywatch style..haha..just had to say it..i didn't tell them this,but when i went under,i thought that that was it,its all over arh...so russell,dude,I'm here now,cauz u helped big time...u called the guard and helped me stay afloat even if it meant u being pulled down in..so thanks man..really really thanks..

anyway,totally off the sombre topic of my near drowning/death, i think I'm falling for her..only known her for like the last 2-3 wks,but i just cant help it..told sep and russell n their really surprised/amused..haha..i cant help it..serious..but this time,i wanna get to know the gal properly first before i decide i wanna tell her or not...not gonna repeat my mistakes..thought i could get to know u today,but u were so engrossed talking with someone else..kinda jealous abit,that's why i sat alone for awhile,emoing abit..i wanted to listen to my ipod,but just what were the first lyrics i heard??(the fray-over my head)
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
haha..that so totally left me mood-less and stuff...i just had to have a smoke..couldn't take it alr..but i swear that if your the one i want,i will give smoking up..no doubts about that...

deadman signin out

2007-06-05T00:24:00.000+08:00

well,it finally happened..it just had to..my mum and i finally had that fight/argument/verbal outburst that's been waiting to happen since god knows when...told her straight to her face,"i dun wanna talk to u n confide and whatever in u",cauz they just dun listen..she still thinks I'm in pri sch and need to report home immediately once sch's over and stay at home the whole day and study..fuck that shit la..dun think u gotta be a genius to figure out i dun wanna be at home for any longer than i need to..its like freaking jail house,gotta report what time u reach sch,wat time u end,where u at..i guess its just to check up and stuff..but to do it everyday and like 5 times?? come on la fucking ridiculous..n to downgrade my friends and i as well..that just does it la..for your fucking information,we study at macs/subway,where theres food,drinks and a comfortable place to study..we dun sit around in coffee shops and loiter the streets after sch..what u think i am and kind of friends u think i have??..dun give the "i care for u" bullshit cauz this is just overdoing it...ya i know,friends will only be with u for so long n they'll dump u when they can get smthg better,but that doesn't mean u can say whatever the fuck u want..n dun give that "i know u wanna be with your friends at this age" crap..cauz u dun!!..just fucking stay out of my life,cauz as a parent,all u have done is just give a roof,food,water and money...you aren't someone either child goes to when they need to talk(just in case u haven't noticed)..just a tag given to u to be called a parent..u have no fucking clue what this is about,so just stay out and keep out...maybe when I'm older and stuff,u can come back in...but for now,just clear off..maybe if u had taken an interest in what i like and stuff,u will know who i am and what kind of person i am...but no!!!..u know best what,studying is the only thing good for a kid..u didn't give a damn to what i wanted,so now,here's my pathetic revenge of sorts...I'm not gonna waste my time over this garbage,I'm enjoying my life right now and I'm not gonna let u spoil it for me...so u do whatever it is u have to do and whatever happens will happen...

tmr's OB midsem test and all this gotta happen today..just absolutely fucking great luck!..the final straw was when after studying earlier at subway at far east,i followed sheena along NEL to serangoon(she went sengkang)..i gave her company home cauz she's fun to be arnd with and nice to talk to..i get to "bastard" her everyday and i guess at the end,i try to pay it back..but apparently,that's a bad thing to do and so,on my way back,i got a call and a whole load of bullshit as well..well screw it,cauz that's who i am,i like being nice and giving company to pple and having some company as well before i reach home and stare at the 4 walls in my room,cauz theres nothing else to do at home...but u know what,no more...i'm gonna stop all this niceness..no body's fault really,i just wanted to be nice..but i guess when u are nice,then pple automatic thing theres a motive behind it..so no more..friends who i thought i could count on,well lets just say if i start on them then this will go on the whole night..u think u go new sch,find new friends n hang out with cooler pple,u better than me??..haha..whatever..u talk of pple using u,but isn't that what u did with me??..well i guess payback's a BITCH!!! so whatever,the only relief nowadays is to go gym or run off all this excess emo garbage and smoke(a pack a wk,helps to destress)its dumb,but at least theres nothing to worry about,just u the cigarette and the environment..no one pretending they want to quit and stuff...that day,i was getting ready to blast at u,but i went gym first and cooled off...tmr I'm gonna do it again,u just better pray u dun come n play arnd with me before that..cauz someday soon,i really will tell u what a bitch u are and how as a friend/role model,u have sunk to new levels in my book..finally,did i get to see the true side of u??i dunno..time will tell...angry,pissed off and fed-up

JIMMY EAT WORLD
"May angels lead you in"

May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

this song is just so comforting to hear at this point in time,even if it doesn't relate at all.

deadman signin out

2007-05-28T20:31:00.000+08:00

well,it stops today..i look myself in the mirror and am damn ashamed..who's this guy,whose been wallowing in self-pity and moaning about stuff that he can't control in his life??..that isn't me..that's not the guy who i know..so like the song,it ends tonight..no more worrying,no more doubting..its not your fault,neither is it mine..just different perception of what we have,that's all..so you go do what you have to do and be happy,and I'll do the same..whenever we run into each other,then we can remember "the good old days"..till then,i realise(after so long)that we all have our own lives and do stuff differently..all the thoughts locked inside,they're now free..no more emo-ness/darkness..its all in the light now..all that's left,like i said before,are the memories..i have some good ones..so thanks..it'll be back to the old deadman..lesson learnt i hoped..no more attachment unless i know its gona be returned...

Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
It's always cloudy except for
When you look into the past
But thanks for the memories
even if some weren't so great

deadman signin out

2007-05-28T01:03:00.000+08:00

"learn to your own companion,learn to lonely"...these are the words from my friend's msn nick..how true they are..there was once this guy,who loved being alone..didn't want any interactions nor friends..as lonely and unsociable as u can get..he loved it so much,it didn't matter he didn't have that many friends..but what he had were those true,faithful friends...maybe only a handful,but at least they cared and bothered about him..then came a change in school and new "friends"..these new ones changed his perception and brought out a different side of him..but it came at a price..superficial friends was the cost..people who pretend that they know you,just so that they can expand their social circle..they changed him to become like them..they had created someone new..someone superficial just like them..now he had become someone so different that people no longer trusted him..they think that he had become "fake"..just cauz he's nice and all,people think that the niceness is fake and that he's not being sincere anymore..just cauz he's a guy and guys aren't supposed to be that nice and all..so the ones he now trusts,think he's fake and insincere..so whats he supposed to do?..he's changed and all,and now he can't go back to being the way he was..what's a guy supposed to do in all this madness..i guess being lonely,or learning to be lonely is the only answer left..back to basics is the best possible solution that he can fall back on..but in this weird world,is that ever possible???

Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know
I hate everything about you

deadman signin out

2007-05-25T23:06:00.000+08:00

u know what..i've had enough of those pple whom u trust and then they just end up using u to get whatever they want..i'm not talking of poly pple screwing u over to get a better grade..i mean friends,who i trust and tell things...u think that even though u change schs and have different friends and hang in different social circles,deep down,those past friendships count for something..but apparently,i guess i'm the only thinks of shit like that..its not often u meet someone and get to know them and trust them enough to tell them things about yourself and all u expect in return is some loyalty and shit...but no!!,thats too much to ask for, so what i do get is just requests that require the act of such people "using" me to achieve whatever they want...if u ask why,the easy ans is,"well,your too nice,i cant trust that u dun have other motives"..like whatever fuckers...no more shit..u want to use me for stuff,go ahead,i dun give a damn anymore..i'm the way i am..u find it too hard to trust me when it doesnt suit u,but when u want things,then i'm your best friend and u can call,msg and even meet me to get whatever it is u want..other than that,not a word..whatever!!..do whatever the fuck u want,its your life..i'll just have memories of our friendship to fall back on..atleast u cant spoil/change that..the only thing that truly belongs to me..material possessions,u can take,but memories,u cant take...so i'll see u whenever it is u "need" me again,but till then, dun worry i'll humour u just to make sure u got no added problems in your already complicated life...so this what i'll leave u,for all the things u have done before..

"You promised me the sky
Then toss me like a stone
You wrap me in your arms
And chill me to the bone

But I,
I won't be the one
the one,who will leave
This in pieces

And you,
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets"

deadman signin out

2007-05-22T21:21:00.000+08:00

well,i'm 18 alr...haha...more than a wk ago,but nvm arh...erm russell,sep,bj and fulin came over on my bday and spent the late afternn,early evening eating chilli cab,sambal prawns,fried chicken and vege at my hse..hahaha...well,that was my great 18th bday party..haha..but it was fun,we stone in my room till like 10 plus,although got lesson the next day at 9am..haha..pretty cool..wanna just thank them again for comin over...anyway,other than that,the only real major incidents were my dog giving me a gd bite on my leg and somemore soccer for me..hahaha..well,the bite wasnt really that severe..just the front teeth going in,thats all..soccer as usual evry sun with jif and the gang...not bad arh,i got some skills..haha..been providing a few gd assists the last 2 wks..anyway,the whole emo period is over...on a lighter note,the new linkin park album,minutes to midnight is damn bloody good...on fri,i met up with xy,cliff,qian,ben,aaron,carys after they had their sports day..we went bowling and after that,cliff and i went to buy the album...OMG,its good arh..first time i heard,i didnt like it..no more angsty teen music..but now,i get the more mature sound and lyrics..so cool...like i've sort of grown up with linkin park...hybrid theory was in P6 like that,then came meteora in st gabs...now this..so so nice...esp the songs Bleed It Out,Hands Held High n In Pieces...so damn gd..

anyway,today,was coming back with sep on the bus,the conversation came to how come i also end up with the gals..as in always follow them and not the guys..russell n me la..actually,i guess it started out in cj,with pk and the gals...now its continued over to TP..haha...but why exactly??..i've got no idea n it kept me thinkin..so much so,i decided to blog about it...i think deep down,its just that i feel i can communicate better with gals rather than guys..dunno why,but its more comfortable..more natural than being arnd the guys..this is the best i could think of..tmr will tell sep this..hahaha...okok,heres the solid linkin park lyrics...damn awesome..

"Bleed It Out"

Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line

Flow em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind

Fithy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose

String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose

Truth is you can stop and stare
Run myself out and no one cares

Dug the trench out lay it down there
With the shovel up out of reach somewhere

Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out
[End Chorus]

Go start the show
Drop your boys and the sloppy flow

Shotgun I put lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go

Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse

Candy paint on this brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works

Practice hurts I wont lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try

Half the words dont mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied

So why try ignoring it
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out

I've opened up these skies
I'll make you face this

I bought myself some fire
I'll make you, face, this, now!!!!

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out
I bleed it out
I bleed it out

"Hands Held High"

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump on my mind, I summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Feeling the blind I promised to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we marched to the drumming

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Miss something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I had before
Like the stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and the fan and poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing the way to the bank and cashing the check
Asking you to have the passion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
[End Chorus]

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react to get blown into fractions

Ten years old is something to see
Another kid my age drug under the jeep

Taken and bound and found later under the tree
I wonder if he thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the guts with bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew up the mosque yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he handwrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you
[End Chorus]

"In Pieces"

Telling me to go
But has begged me to stay

Your lips say that you love
Your eyes say that you hate

This truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
What you've built you laid to waste

This truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
All I've got's what you didn't take

[Chorus]
So I, I won't be the one
Be the one to leave this
In pieces

And you
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets

Don't lie
[End Chorus]

You promised me the sky
Then toss me like a stone

You wrap me in your arms
And chill me to the bone

This truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
All I've got's what you didn't take

[Chorus]
So I, I won't be the one
Be the one to leave this
In pieces

And you
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets

Don't lie

So I, I won't be the one
Be the one to leave this
In pieces

And you
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets

Don't lie
[End Chorus]

deadman signin out...

2007-05-09T21:58:00.000+08:00

GOOD CHARLOTTE
"The River"
(feat. M Shadows & Synyster Gates from Avenged Sevenfold)

As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of LA
The footsteps that were next to me
have gone their separate ways
I've seen enough now
to know that beautiful things
don't always stay that way
I've done enough now
to know this beautiful place
isn't everything they say

I heard that evil comes disguised
Like a city of angels
I'm walking towards the light

Baptized in the river
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered
In the city was a sinner
I've done a lot of things wrong
But I swear I'm a believer
Like the prodigal son
I was out on my own
Now I'm trying to find my way back home
Baptized in the river
I'm delivered
I'm delivered

[M.Shadows:]
You're from a small town
You're gonna grow up fast
underneath these lights
Down in Hollywood
on the boulevard the dead come back to life
To the praying Mother
And the worried Father
Let your children go
If they come back
They'll come home stronger
And if they don't you'll know

They say that evil comes disguised
Like a city of angels
I'm walking towards the light

Baptized in the river
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered
In the city was a sinner
I've done a lot of things wrong
But I swear I'm a believer
Like the prodigal son
I was out on my own
Now I'm trying to find my way back home
Baptized in the river
I'm delivered
I'm delivered

Baptized in the river (on my own)
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
(on my own, on my own)
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
I confess I'm a sinner
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered!

2007-05-09T20:48:00.000+08:00

i guess emo is how to describe me right now..i dun show it like some..i prefer to keep it all locked up and when i listen to the right music,it just all comes out and disappears into the air...

THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS
"It Ends Tonight"

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

2007-05-09T20:13:00.000+08:00

Well,its been a gd couple of wks thus far...the projects are staring to come in fast n furious,but all i need is some gd time management skills..other than that,financial management is something really necessary for me..

started with a 100 bucks,but some how,i've ended up with $1.60 for this wk n nxt wk as well..no idea how i ended up like this,but i have...its just amazing how cash seems to fly out of my wallet..feel real shitty right now..i've been taking cab with pk n sep recently and they've been paying all the cab fares even though i'm the guy and the one sitting in the front...i took a rough estimate and i owe them like 17 bucks,with the majority to pk..i feel like an absoulte beggar..n ofcauz,it doesnt help when i have like rich classmates who decide they want to go gelare for lunch and while they order their waffles and ice-cream n pastas,i sit there quietly,wishing the ground will open up and swallow me whole!!..i end up playing FM on my laptop while waiting for them to finsh..they did offer me some food when they found why i wasnt eatin,but i've got some ego left(somewhere,dun ask exactly where),i politely declined..i wasnt gonna eat leftovers and stuff..i'd rather starve than eat somebody's leftovers n thats what i did..dunno how i'm gonna survive for this 2wks with just $1.60..i dun wanna borrow cauz its just a really bad habit,once u borrow,then u gotta pay back and then nxt month u will have lesser to spend..i also dun wanna dip into my savings,cauz there isnt much there anyway..just stuck,no idea what to do..work seems a gd option but there simply isnt one which fits into my schedule..somehow or rather,i'm gonna wake up on my b'day(may 14th) and no allownace to spend,cant treat my friends,cant do shit!!!...its just so depressing..

anyway,my class seems to think i'm living in my own world..atleast thats what i heard today in class..it was a joke,but i could see pple agreeing to it..i dun really know exactly what they think,but sooner or later,they'll know the real deadman..thats for sure..they alr know about my bad habit,but they want to me quit and stuff..i even had a conversation with russell about it.."would u quit for the right one??",that was the topic..my ans,a resounding YES!!..if i ever find the right one,i'll give anything up(maybe except soccer)..he didnt believe me,but its all about willpower..i could give up now,but there isnt anything there for me to give up for...all i need is a reason..hopefully the right one will appear soon and prevent anything else..even if she leaves,i wont restart cauz she gave me a reason to stop and i wont spoil that memory by doing what she didnt want..it all started with a gal an i think it should end with one as well..

with my b'day due nxt wk,i guess turning 18's making me think about myself and the things arnd me..all this wallowing in self-pity and depressing thoughts gotta go..ideally,having a "goddess",will change all this for me..ut that only happens in the movies..this is real life and i've gotta think of ways to change the status quo in my favour...thats the best b'day present i can give myself..on a lighter note,atleast i've been abit more friendly to sep n bj n the other gals in sch..also,linkin park's gonna release their new album(minutes to midnight) on my b'day..haha..and the day before,i'd have seen pics of manu celebrating a fantastic epl title victory at old trafford..thats fate's present for me,given all the recent bad luck i've had..haha..well till nxt time then,ariva deci

deadman signing out

2007-04-30T21:49:00.000+08:00

well,its been a week in TP so far...actually getting used to this whole poly system alr..quite similar to jc..lects n tuts,so the transition's been easy..my class seems pretty enthu,mostly the kids who are 17 la..haha..there are 4/5 of us 18 n pk's friend,sep is 19..erm,getting along with them doesn't seem much of a prob..pretty cool pple..theres this dude,randell who was in cj for first 3 mths,ben's classmate..haha..weird coincidence...n theres sunny,from st gabs..haha,even weirder coincidence...erm,the lecturers seem nice,esp today's org bh lecturer...super nice n she started lect at 11.10 n finished at 12.05,when it was supposed to last till 1..haha..much appreciated extra break..erm,well,i alr met up with keith n candice n ben in TP,only abel left..candice's changed alot since we last went to sch together,but thats natural..its been wat,6-7 yrs since we were classmates..shes got the whole gothic chick thingy perfected in my books..haha..suits her la..well,the only negative i guess is that i gotta travel for more than hr to get to sch every morning..the price one has to pay for doing what u like..haha..on the other hand though,there is this gal,who seems out of this world..dun really know her yet,but who knows...u can never say never!!...haha

deadman signing out

2007-04-18T00:04:00.000+08:00

its funny this karma thingy..u would have thought that being nice to others and even treating those who treat u like dirt,with complete respect,u shld be given a free pass on karma..but lately,my luck's been down..might even say,its down n out..everything i touch or want to do,it all just has bad luck written all over it..it started with the soccer betting..1wkend and now i make a loss of 50bucks..like WTF..then everything i do,theres always this bad feeling hanging arnd..i take the bus,it breaks down..i wait for the bus,it takes more than 20mins to get one,even though i have at least 2 to take from a particular bus-stop..i wonder what i did to deserve such luck..it even spread to my ex-teacher..i went cj to pick up my results slips file n i get a blasting from my ex-form teacher..i mean,i just had to pick a day he had pms or smthg..amazing luck I've had..n what worries me more is not what has happened,but whats gonna happen..I'm having orientation in like 2 more days n I'm starting to wonder if I'll get some fucked-up grp or something..my deepest fear:that I'll be the only guy arnd..highly unlikely,but seeing as how my luck has been,i wouldn't bet against it...i seriously must have pissed someone upstairs damn badly to deserve such luck...as far as i can make out,I've been a nice guy to most pple..even if i dun really like the person,i try to be nice..but i guess,karma doesn't work that way..all i can hope is that new sch,new friends=new,improved luck..haha,wishful thinking on the part of a seriously luckless guy...

deadman signing out

2007-04-11T10:29:00.000+08:00

OMFG!!!!...what a performance..absolutely fantastic...5 star and more...what the heck am i talking about??..haha,its manu's match against roma..7-1..ya,thats rite,7 f**king 1..how in the name of zeus did they do that?..no idea balls..breath-taking is the best term i believe..the verve,the passion,the counter-attacking brilliance...benedict was right when he said OMFG!!!..haha..this is football at its very best..i dun care if your not a fan,watch this game n your'll convert..no doubts there...Roma are a gd side..heck,they beat manu 2-1 last wk..this time arnd,at the theater of dreams,there was no stopping the red devils..we just sent the Romans back to hell,with no chance of a return...haha..this was worth waiting all night for n not slping at all till 5am this morn..haha...the goals were what kept me awake all night...absolutely magnificent..now its tme for the fa cup this wkend..then nxt,its the epl charge...the red devils are still alive n very much kicking...haha..

anyway,as for me,I'm doing great..i just love all this free time i've got..watching movies off the net,listening to gd songs,just having the time of my life..haha..not much worries right now,except one or two things at hme to sort out..looking forward to starting sch on the 23rd..but I'll be behind my friends..they all start on 16th..tp's the only laggin one..haha..well,till the next magnificent display from the red devils,ariva deci...

deadman signing out

2007-03-29T21:54:00.000+08:00

wanted to go watch 300 at vivo today with cliff n aaron,but apparently the guy at the counter thought we werent old enough(its only like 2 more mths to go),so ended up watching teenage mutant ninja turtles..honestly,its a must-NOT see movie..in recent memory,its one of the worst..too much cgi effects for me,like taking a comic book n directly tranferrin everything onto film,kinda sucky...

anyway,on the way back,cliff n i were talking about sch n pple we know n so on,n i realised,that i was back to where i started out 5yrs ago..alone at hme,without human contact for up to 12hrs a day..just the way i used to love it..as we were talking,i realised how now,i was back to square one..sitting in my room all day,staring at the laptop,playing fm or watching prison break or just surfing the web...to me,that beats spending time with others..cauz it seems like machines cant fail u,they wont disappoint u..pple can..u trust them or believe on them,n the next thing u know,u turn your back n they screw u..but with these gadgets,no talkin no feelings,just do what u wanna do...sounds stupid i know,but thats the way i've lived for a very long time now...i mean i dont want human contact to the point where once my folks are home,i go straight to my room n stay there till they go to sleep...thats when i come out to play..hahaha...well,rumblings from a fool cooped up in his room...

deadman signing out

2007-03-22T23:35:00.000+08:00

its a funny thing how friendships work....when your needed,they all wanna be arnd u,helpin n caring n stuff..but when your work is done,they scatter faster than the blast of a nuclear bomb...before i entered cjc,i was perfectly happy with myself..i didnt give a shit if i was a lonely,anti-social,unfriendly bastard..i was fine the way i was...anyone who respected that,was truly a friend...but now,after cj,things have changed..ya,i'm more friendly n sociable than before,but at wat price????
the people i thought i was close to,are really not that close...when something needs to be done,call dinesh...other than that,who gives a shit...well,boys n girls,all that crap is over...i'm going back to the most impt thing,being happy with myself first n foremost..cauz thats wat matters the most..no more shallow friends..no more friends who dun give in return wat they get..cauz plain n simple,i'm sick n tired of waitin arnd for u fools..too many times,i push back wat i want cauz my friends want me to do smthg for them..well,no more!!..that craps over n done with..deadman has gone back to basics..its time ME,was the most impt in my life..

deadman signin out...

2007-03-19T23:18:00.000+08:00

new look,new style = new outlook on life...cjc is practically done for me,nothing left there..now its tp to look forward to...bittersweet?..maybe..over the hols,esp durin nemo n the class chalet,i discovered new friends...many infact..sad to leave them,but this is about me..i'm gonna do what i hope will lead to a rewarding career..as long as we're in s'pore,i dun see why we cant keep in contact..so to everyone,"this aint the end,its the beginnin of smthg beautiful"...i'll miss them all,some more than others..but just wanna let u know,that anytime anywhere,u need my help,deadman's just a phonecall away..it wont be the same..i know that,smthg i thought thru carefully...but i believe in my friends n the how strong it can last..so i can leave with a smile,head held high n soul filled with some enriching experiences...

deadman signin out...

2007...

2007-01-20T16:36:00.000+08:00

okok...finally,after like forever,i get to use the internet long enough to make a post...erm,so far 2007 has been alrite...not much troubles,poly dream still going on strong and maybe,just before i leave cjc,i'd get to play on stage, during rockerfella..always been a dream to be a rocker,n nows my chance...hahahah...anyway,yst,i was crowned the cjc lawn bowls junior singles champion...woo hooo..okok,lame..it was a lame tornament,competed only by cjc students n the actual price presentation took like all of 5sec n some lamo teacher gave out the trophies...hahaha...shermeen got second n dom got third...kida happy i guess...but on the down side,there was only 1 j1 yst n we've been entered into competition which starts in 2wks n we're in the under 25 catergory...how wonderful is that??....n now to the down part of the yr..to say goodbyes to friends..erm,i wasnt counting on having to tell so many pple i'd be leavin,but now,that looks the case...t25 pple alr know,then theres the lawn bowls pple,the ics pple,pple that i randomly meet in sch...thats alot...but somehow,i'd have to break the news,although not many actually really bother..hahaha...ok,thats 2007 so far,in a flash...

deadman signing out...

2006-12-26T11:19:00.000+08:00

well,firstly, happy merry belated x'mas to all...haha

yst,on x'mas day,the 25th of dec,i finally acheived couch-potato status..or shld i say bed-potato...why??..cauz i spent the whole day on my bed,using my laptop,surfin the net,checkin out websites/blogs/ljs etc...then i spent like 8-10hrs playing football manager 2007!!...actually playing game is quite tiring as i found out when i apparently fell asleep while playing the game on my bed..haha..my dad woke me up arnd midnite n told me to go off the laptop n the lights n sleep..haha..wat a way to spend x'mas day...haha..now i'm dead cauz i havent read the book i was supposed to read for lit,i havent done the nemo proj which when yvonne finds out when she returns tmr,she'll kill me,n not a single bit of hmk is done...i'm so screwed..but who cares..i'm going poly...haha

oh ya,if anyones readin,from my previous post,the band HINDER..they're actually quite gd..the album's out now,n i guess it would be a gd listen..its basically rock,but the lyrics are quite gd n i think it'll help those in like love trouble n stuff..some of the songs anyway..the song LIPS OF AN ANGEL is like stuck in my head..how i wish i had an ipod,so i can stuff all my songs in there n listen all day long...

which brings me to my first working job on x'mas eve...i actually worked at the apple store at wheelock on x'mas eve..in the ipod department of all places...haha..why??..cauz i dun even own an ipod n have no idea about 1st gen,2nd gen n so on...so when i started at arnd 11am,i was so noob...but when i finished at 8pm,i was an expert alr..now if i wanna go ipod,i pretty much know the basics atleast..haha..but it was great workin there..saw a few cj pple,sold quite afew ipods n stuff..i wanted to continue there,but they said they only wanted pple for that 1 day..but it was ok,i think i'll get arnd 70 bucks for that..which goes a long way t replenish my piggie bank which now nly has $1 notes left...evrything else is gone..on CARYS N QIAN!!!!!..haha...not all la,but whatever was left after my mum took most of my money n put it in the bank...anyway,incase i forget,

WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!..
hope 2007 goes as well as 2006..this yr was full of ups n downs,but i look at he ups n they definitely are better than the downs..so i'll take that..haha

deadman signin out...

lips of an angel

2006-12-23T00:59:00.000+08:00

nothing much to say except sry to those who turned up yst at sch to collect gp stuff,only to find out that its not even ready..haha...n ofcauz to stan,who told tan jek suan that we had gp remedial!!!...really great..haha..anyway,had fun with amos(who left halfway),cliff,carys,qian,alex,tingwei,preena n pk(who came damn late!) later on arnd town area..haha..walk arnd,eat at nydc,walk arnd again then eat at swensons...haha..preety alrite day...but now quite broke alr..no more money left to get qian n carys an x'mas gift..so if u gals are reading this,pls dun mind if i get something small ya..haha...oh ya,btw,looks like i finally got a job..on x'mas eve of all days!!..yup true..this sun,x'mas eve,while most are doing last min shoppin n enjoying themselves,i'll be workin...haha...but not complaining..its thanx to pk that i even got the job in the first place..just a one off thingy...so i guess it'll be alrite...anyway,main reason for bloggin is to showcase this song..think its quite new..HINDER-LIPS OF AN ANGEL

selected lyrics:It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

basically a rock love song kinda thingy...really great tune n the lyrics are actually quite meaningful if your in the whole "i'm with someone now,but still like my ex" phase...but to me the above words are the best n most appropriate...

deadman signing out...

nemo...

2006-12-16T23:52:00.000+08:00

well,back from project nemo,3days alr...the trip was great..whisked off to this island in the middle of nowhere,no tv(proper channels that is),no internet,no hp signal most of the time..it was paradise...really..now that i'm home,i just wish i was back...the quiet serenity of the place,the sun-rise,sun-set,the pple there,everything was just so great....back here in spore,everything is just so rushed..n i loved the loneliness the island gave,no family,not many friends..just peace n quiet..

anyhow,the trip there wasnt great..the boat-bus-boat trip took like 4hrs or maybe even more,n that like kills u off..but,my grp werent that bad..at first,it was a bit fucked up..cauz split accordin to the 2 classes n the sji guys..then it became two cliques..simply put, the "cooler" ones n the "more quiet" ones...not how it was exactly,but its how to describe them in like 2 words or less...i pretty much was nowhere near both grps..just floated away on my own,excpet during grp activities,where we had to be together..but that was just during the first 2/3days..after that,i started to get to know everyone,n then it felt so much more nicer to be on that island..i mean,once u fit in,the surroundings just seem so much better...if any regrets,it would be that although i play for an indo football team,i havent learnt a single piece of lingo which was useful to talk to the natives..haha..pretty lame..

anyhoo,i loved the last day/nite on the island,where there was no curfew, n we slept on the kelong,lookin at metereo showers( i didnt see anything,but others saw!!..)..it was fun,the sji guys were there:amos,victor,ben,wq,nigel n his gf plus qian,pet n pris..afew more might have been there,but those were who i recognised..they all slpet like from 4am onwards till 6plus..but i couldnt..haha,cauz pris was next to me n i damn scared she'll hit me cauz she was slping in this wierd position..so i like slpet 15mins, then woke up, n saw where she was,then went back to slp..damn stupid,but i gotta protect the family jewels..haha..

anyway,on the way back,yvonne gave like a final debrief..as her assist grp leader,i didnt do much shit..but along the way,i helped out where possible..my night time debriefs were pretty much a joke,so i decide the final debriefin from me,would follow the same shit..haha...i think that most prob,the ppple in my grp think i'm wierd or something..haha..anyway,on the way back,was supposed to drop pet off,but either she felt abit weird to take cab with me,or cauz i asked nicole to tag along n she didnt like nicole..either way,nicole came with me n pet took train with yong lin or smthg like that..it was damn weird with nicole la,she was like leaning on me in the cab n so on..very awkward to say the least..(cold shiver!!)..very very wierd...anyway,on a better tone,just like to thank amos the most on this trip cauz without him,i seriously would have withdrawn into my own lil world..he helped loads,introin pple n helping me get along wth afew others..oh ya,also to pet,everyday,a new racist joke from her,just to start things with a smile..one of the things i'm missin nowadays..noone to make me laugh at hme...haha..

deadman signin out..

truth

2006-12-07T08:56:00.000+08:00

ok,sean,ben n yvonne...i am not worried about how many friends i got,where i stand in class n least of all,how popular i am...i'm not runnin away from my problems..atfirst,thats what it appears to be,but i know why i'm leaving..its for a reason..i came to jc becauz i couldnt decide what to do in poly,thats why they say a levels opens all doors...but now i know what i want..n that is to be in the F&B industry..u may make fun with my strawberry pie,but its what i wanna do..could say,its my interest..has been for awhile now..so,i'm leaving to pursue my interest..not cauz of anything else..i'm not angry with u guys or anything,just that i think u guys have the wrong view as to why i'm leavin..

all that talk about friends,well,its what i want..not necessary what i'll get..ya,going poly means startin over fresh,but if thats the only price to pay for doing what u want,then dun ya think its worth it??..it is to me..i mean its not like i'm leavin the planet,i'll still be arnd..n about the class,yes,i want to see it go well,but there comes a point where u got to think whats best for u first rite?..may sound selfish,but i think i earned the right to be like that..in my books anyway..yes,maybe i have the wrong views of how friends shld be,maybe i wanna be stereotyped just like everyone else,but more imptly,i think its about time,i find what i wanna do n go ahead to do it..rite now,i have found it,n i want to go ahead n do it..ya,so thanx u guys for being concerned,but this is the real reason..hopefully it clears up evrything..seeya at nemo!!..

deadman signin out..

perfect floater ?!?!...

2006-12-03T22:31:00.000+08:00

well,recently i had a chat with yvonne..somewhere in that chat,she mentioned that i was a perfect floater..wat does it exactly mean?..well,according to her,its cauz that in class,i mix with everyone..i hang with all the diff cliques n nobody can assume that i'm one kind cauz i'm with a certain clique..i am independant..now why was she telling me all this?..simple,she was tryin to convince me to stay nxt yr,trying to show how much i mean to the class..well,looking back,i really was such a guy..i didnt have a particular set of friends to be with..every now n then,i'd change grps..is this gd or bad??..yvonne seems to think its gd,as said,its me being independant,not being needy..she likened me to a certain mr kandinsky...who???..well,apparently,he's the only artist in history who cant be placed in any one particular style or movement solely..woah,sounds awesome..really..i mean how many pple can say that they can be compared to kandinsky,even if i havent heard of him before..so to yvonne,thanx for tryin to convince me to stay,i will really give it a think-over ok..thats the very least i am do for what u have done for me...

although,all this sounds really great n all,in reality,i dun really have a proper set of friends..i mean even weirdos have weirdo friends..but i look at myself,n who do i have?..in pri sch,i had this great friend,but from sec3 onwards,she grew apart n away..in sec sch,maybe had a couple of guys,but now everybodys everywhere,so no time n stuff..now in jc,well,looks like theres noone..i'd like to believe that theres someone,but based on recent history,i dunt think thats likely..so,all this likenin to pple in hisory n stuff,its all nice,but all i really want is just a couple of good friends to be arnd with..isnt that what everyone wants?..i mean at the end of the day,if u look at it simply,i'm just on the outside,lookin in on cliques..i dun have pple on either side of me..when everyone goes home,they have their cliques waitin,on the phone or msn or sms..but i have only myself..woah,seriously lame..yes,i admit i'm not that interestin a person n no,looks is definitely something i dun have,but is that whats impt nowadays??..hmm,then maybe its better to be on the outside looking in,then on the inside lookin to get out..simply put yvonne,i dun want this popular guy thing..i dunno whoelse will agree with u,but its something i never considered till u started talkin about it..right now,i have my reason to leave,which i see as bigger than those worth staying for..yes,there maybe regrets,but i think its all part of learnin n living life...

Regrets come in all shapes n sizes
Some are small,like we do a bad thing for a gd reason
Some are bigger,like when we let a friend down
Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the rite choice
Some of us have lil time for regret,cauz we're looking forward at the future
Sometimes we have to fight,to come to terms with the past
And sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways
But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did,
But for the things we didnt do,things we didnt say, to someone we care about
Especially when we can see the dark storm inside of their way
quoted from my friend's blog, by Lucas-OTH

a small part of me still hasnt changed yet..sill likes u..dunno why,but i guess its just like that..i told u i was over it,but i guess i was wrong..sry..

deadman signing out...

angry,upset n fed-up

2006-11-24T23:31:00.000+08:00

now i realise why its so damn bloody hard to be an orgainiser of things...from a simple trip to come down n play soccer to a chalet..pple just never make things easy do they..guess its part of human nature to be an asshole...well,i'm gonna be colourful with my language in the rest of the post,so if i'm gonna offend pple,then so be it...

well,i had orgainised a class chalet,cauz i thought that everyone had like bonded and stuff during the bbq n initially,the response is like great..pple confirmin left right n center that they will be there..what a bunch of hypocrites...ok,so about 12pple came..from a class of 23 n its not like i gave them 1 wks notice,i gave about atleast 3 wks ahead notice n timin for them to arrange their plans..well,note to self,just fuck care about these pple from now on..they want anything,let them do it themselves..i personally cant give a shit from now on..honestly..i was nice enough to get them this chalet,even paid first,but wat do i get in return??..bloody bullshit like this..i dun need crap like this now..i'm, not going thru any personal struggle,but this is just unwanted burden..really no point for me to do this kinda thing..now i know what xy must have gone thru durin the course of the yr..just bloody crap..pple just not helpful one bit..to those who bothered to turn,i mean i really thank u..n sry if it wasnt just a nice or enjoyable chalet..i didnt really plan that well,my bad..n esp to tarun,who could only turn up just for a few hrs,but still found time to fit us in..thanx alot..and ofcauz to the guys who turned up at ubin..that was also fun..prob the most fun part of the chalet along with the watching of sun rise with the rest on the first day..those were the high moments..the low ones were ofcauz when pple said they were comin,n thenlater replied that they were infact not comin!!...filthy hypocrites..i mean there are those who had reasons for not comin,n thise who just well,i've got nothing to say...F*****G P****s of S**t...ya,thats rite..thats what i think of u...

n u know wat,i have got no intention watsoever of returin nxt yr n graduating with u guys..seriously,i was lookin to leave,but hoped that there were maybe some reasons for staying..well,i had wanted to stay cauz of someone,but its not a gd move..n now,u add this in,seriously i dun wanna come back nxt yr..no pt wat..we suck up to each other in sch,then we fuck care durin the hols..wat building of life long friendship is that?? isnt that wat jc represents,where u meet the pple who are supposed to form the base of your connections??well,lookin back on this,i really dun sia,not with these kinda pple..ok,granted there are some really gd friends,but the negatives just outweigh the positives...i just gotta leave,whether its in jan or in feb or in march,i gotta go..i have to restart somewhere fresh,mind body n soul..only then can i really do well in watever i want..i dun care if i have wasted a yr or wat..learnin experiences i guess..

(ps:if u get offended,then too bad,cauz if u didnt do the things i mentioned,then u got nothing to wry about...)

deadman signin out..

redemption

2006-11-14T21:51:00.000+08:00

to whom that this may concern..hopefully u will read this n understand wat i really mean...

u know wat,i really miss hanging out with u..i dunno wat went wrong..but i'm guessing its my fault,me n my stupid thinking..sometimes i just think too much..anyway,these last few days/wks,just seem so sucky..i mean i tried going out with others,pple we know,but it just aint the same..we can talk n stuff,but with them,theres this gap..i'm really sorry if i said or behaved wrongly towards u..u know i didnt mean it..its just that with u,i feel like i can take things easier,like say stuff n know that u wont be affected too much..well,i guess thats kinda selfish on my part,but hanging out with u just made me feel so much more relaxed,more like myself...anyway,its been really long since i last talked to u..i'm not counting sms,cauz thats only like 3 or 4 of them..erm,i dunno if your like ignoring me or maybe u're just plain busy,like u said. but maybe sometime soon,we can hang out,cauz i really miss talking with u..but for any reason u dun want to,i understand perfectly,but just tell me ok,just say u dun wanna hang out anymore..dun like ignore and stuff..ya,thats what i need to say to u..

i admit i have been listening to others n probably been quite bad to u,but i sure as hell am making my own choices now..n i just hope we can like start over again..ya,thats my one wish...this time arnd,i wont like screw up n listen to wat pple have to say..promise..so will u give me one more chance??..this is not love,its from one friend to another,admitting that i think i screwed up n that i hope for another chance..hopefully u will give me that chance,but if not,then i get it..

(ps:i just realised that our gd friend did something like this for u on his own blog awhile back..i dun mean to act just like him,hopefully u get where i'm comin from n dun get things mixed up..i dun wanna screw anything else up..)

deadman signin out..

2006-11-12T10:25:00.000+08:00

Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by a deadly crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one to notice?
I can't be the only one who's learned

2006-11-06T16:08:00.000+08:00

i know i said i'll do a tribute thingy to 1t25,but honestly,i cant really think of anything much to say..so i'll just scrape it..

anyway,i've been having the flu for the last 3days..since sat,the fever,headaches,bodyaches,cough,flu have been my company..its so freakin sickenin man..cant do anything i want..

but atleast,sat,i met up my st gabs friends..its been a long time man..we met up to play soccer at lor liew lian there..alk,keith,pong,joel,hedger,teng shun n his bro,justin,shaik,edwin,sultan,ignatius,faiz,mason n his bro,shahreel n jif all turned up..it was actually quite fun..we played for like 2hrs,n the final score was something like 10-8 or 10-9..my team won ofcauz..haha..but it was great seein them all again..we shld do it again i think..but i have to improve my fitness first..damn lousy alr..plus my soccer skills rusty also..damn long since i last played..need to improve..

also,sat,i meet up with cliff after i was done playin,to discuss OP..we re-did some of our slides,but still need to come up with a grp presentation..or maybe we just heck that..anyway,i decided to tell him what was going on about me n my last few entries..i decided to tell him cauz he was the one who first told me about his one,so i decided that i can trust this guy n tell him about mine..so far,the general opinion is that i dun keep my hopes too high,n maybe just move on n forget about her..i'm halfway to doing that,but i still givin her sometime n some space to come n tell me...hopefully she does..if not,i'll just move on n thats the end of it..

deadman signin out...

clarification

2006-11-03T16:19:00.000+08:00

well,to the one to commented..the first song is for her n the second is for myself...

rite now,i'm confused..this jekel n hyde performance is killing me..just tell me now n quit with the oscar award winnin performances...pls..seriously..just say it..open your mouth,n just say it..my head is bursting open with all this nonsense..

There are moments in our lives when we found ourselves at crossroads,
confused
Without a roadmap,
The choices we make in those moments might sum up the rest of our days
Ofcauz, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to go back.
But once in awhile, people push on to something better,
Something beyond the pain of going thru it alone,
And just beyond the bravery and courage to let someone in,
or to give someone a second chance,
Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.

i found this on my friends blog..rite now,i am at the crossroads n am nearing my limits...if u cant say it,then i'll make my choice n move on..the choice may or may not be gd,but atleast i get closure..rite now,thats wat i want..i'm like a mad man,locked up all day brooding over this..driving me nuts..so pls,just come out n say it..straight to my face,no holding back..dun mince the words,just let it out..thats all i want..seriously..honestly..will u grant me this 1 favour??..pls??

deadman signing out...

my mood

2006-10-30T21:55:00.000+08:00

rite now,no mood to blog...even though i've promoted,still thinkin about my future..so,heres two songs...one for the "thinkin" n the others for someone...its after we talked,that i found this song n it says everything that i need to say to u..hopefully u understand wat i mean..i just want no regrets,thats all...n btw,my tagboard is spoilt,so if wanna say anything,just comment...i'll be back with a tribute to the peeps of 1t25 soon...hopefully by next wk...till then,just chill...haha..

Angels & Airwaves
if i said i love u
i dun think i would untrue
i'm so glad i met u
u have made my life feel so brand new

quiet walks,the long talks
these are the moments i cherish

i look into your eyes
and my heart gets thrown off beat
beautiful,sweet angel
my feelins for u overwhelm me
your my best friend
when i'm with u,i feel safe

One Last Breath-Creed
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
¡®Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking

deadman signin out...

2006-10-17T18:43:00.000+08:00

well,i got back my lit results..i got a 50!!..haha,that means 48 overall n that means that i got promoted...yes!!...but it ain't all that gd..carys failed her geog,n that leaves her,pok,qian n a whole bunch needing 1 more pass to get promoted...hopefully,they are allowed to move on man...cauz life without them,its seriously gonna suck...

anyway,the main reason for signing in today,its cauz my happiness,well its just about been destroyed...up till yst,i was feelin damn gd,but once i got back,it just flew outta the window..thats cauz that thing i have for a sis,she decided she wanted to stay at my grandma hse with us,for the rest of the wk...WTF!!..bitch..everything i do,she has to do it..i wear ankle socks,she gotta go get some..i buy a com,she wants one..i get a digi cam for my b'day,shes wants a digi cam for her b'day..i'm sick n tired of all this BS..i moved to my grandma hse to get away from her n my folks..now its like coming back to haunt me again...damn it..wish i could just go away n stay with someone else..but that ain't gonna happen,so no pt wishing for something like that..becauz of that,i didn't slp yst until 12.30 plus..she has to be talking on the phone all the time,watching the tv..blah blah blah...everything has to be done her way,if not she throws a tantrem,like a freaking 5 yr old!!...piece of shit!!...all that brooding last night,got me pissed off this morn..came to sch n sort of shouted at carys..felt bad about that..just did'nt feel like talking to anyone or doing anything..just listen music n sit one corner..thats the way to cool off man...

anyway,now,i'm gd...i'm relaxed..why? cauz it seems she's only gonna stay until fri,then after that,she has sch n stuff..she has to go back..so,just tolerate this wk,n then,its all gd again...anyway,this fri got BBQ at carys hse,whole class going..shld be fun..1 last gathering of sorts..well,till next time then..(until then i'll leave the lyrics of the song that's just the best for cooling down: Iris by Goo Goo Dolls)

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

deadman signing out...

right now...

2006-10-16T18:07:00.000+08:00

well,promo results are back..almost all...still have lit left..so far,its been better than mid-yr..a B n D,2 E's n ofcauz,F for phys..haha..kept up my usual trademark for phys...so,its left for lit to make me promote..need a 40 for it,but i think i can make it..hope so..

anyway,so far it hasn't been that gd or my friends..yang,clara,amos,PK all seem to be leaving...even yvonne and qian n carys as well...this sux man..sux big time..the ones leavin are the ones i'm friends with..those who left are the jackasses..dun get me wrong, alk,cliff,ben n XY are great guys,but its those leaving that seem to be closer to me..i mean yang n i share smthg that the others dun know about..its nothing to be proud of,but still,its a bond between us,that brought us to be friends..n PK,well,wat to say,shes like the cool chick that u see in hollywood teen movies..i'm not in love with her..but shes like my idol man..hafiz was my idol in st gabs,the one i respected,even though i didn't know him..here in cj,its PK..haha..well,its not even certain i'm staying,but it looks like i'm gonna lose a whole bunch of friends..theres email n msn n sms,but it ain't gona be the same..so heres to u guys...

ok,on a brighter side,i met celest at cj open hse..its been nearly 5yrs since i last saw her..woah,she looks gd..i mean,shes tanned n stuff n well-built..haha..not exactly how u describe a gal,but ya,who cares..haha..awesome..anyway,had a nice 3min chat with her..also,open hse was alrite..pretty boring all the way,except for meeting up with pong n meeting celest n teaching carys how to play lawn bowls..haha..well,to cut a long story short,pong found an indo gal in cj to like,though i dunno if he's serious n carys knows how to lawn bowl..

right now,i'm at mac's using the free wireless to blog..i know pple r gonna say that its another "short" entry,but hey,i only use the net once a wk..give me a break..haha..well,i like being me right now..i'm enjoying my life,loving every moment n having fun..thats the way it shld be,but life ain't always like that..s i'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts n take lots of pics to make sure that i never forget this feeling nor where i got it nor who i had it with...yup,thats my mtto for this period of time..anyway,thats all for now..

deadman signing out..

my place...

2006-10-06T22:51:00.000+08:00

well,if today doesn't count as shitty,i dunno wat will...

i left the hse thinkin it'll be a gd day...that thought lasted only until 8.15....cauz u know why,ho seng chye decided that it was time my attitude got a make-over.apparently,i "have been acting too slack this past wk.i have been following the likes of yang,benedict n aaron n cauzing harm to myself n bringing down the confidence that mr ho n my mum have in me"...all this for wat?,cauz i decided to go down n get a bottle of green tea just before he entered class to start PW..WTF...all that just cauz i missed like 10mins of his lesson...if that was that,i wouldn't have cared,but he didn't stop there.he took it up with the whole class n gave us another one of his long,long,long lectures on how he tried,but couldn't get the class to follow him..u know wat,i acknowledge that he tried..he really did..n i won't forget how he offered to buy back my uniform if i had gone to poly n stuff,but he simply can't just walk in and start having mood swings n stuff..i mean his a guy for goodness sake,he doesn't have PMS or smthg to cauz mood swings n stuff....but thats wasn't enuf for him..later on,he scolds clara n qian n sends them out of class...then he shouts at qian,for trying to defend herself..WTF..wats this,old man gone crazy isit?..he shouted so bad,she actually cried..now theres a line to discipline n he just about jumped 2 feet over that line!!..i just wanted to give him a piece of my mind,but hey,in this sch,thats grounds for suspension i guess so kept everything in control...then later on,at the end of the day,he comes up to me n says"hey,pls help to arrange the tables n chairs ok..i leave u incharge"..watever la old man...

anyway,to wat old man ho had to say,i guess it hasn't been my best wk...i dunno why,but i guess its the new timetable..i mean i'm the only one doing tamil,so its like all alone during that 1 hr,then later lit,only 4 pple,so not much interaction there n then PW,everyones doing their own stuff...so i guess i miss talking to pple like carys,PK,yang,benedict n so on...i think i finally realised that i need human interaction to go on..i mean i used to pride myself on the ability to remain enclosed within me,but ever since i came to cj,its all been different...totally opposite almost...n now,the desire to stay is quite strong..apart from the class,my cca connections have been going great as well..yst,i went to scc with cass,shermeen n jun chi...played with cass n shermeen, n we actually had some fun..was great talkin to them n stuff n it really felt like cca bonding...now,i dun think there'll be too many probs when we have a committee meeting or just plain talking during trainings,cauz we used to separate according to class n stuff..i guess wat i'm really trying to say is that i think the theory of me going on without needing pple is probably too much a lie..i guess i need the relationships just like the next guy does...the deadman isn't that dead after all...hahaha..

well,that just leaves the gf relationship open for the deadman...well,after anisha,i haven't really found anyone who has captured me yet...i know i'm over her,but apart from a few "eye candies",I guess there really isn't anyone ready for that role..haha..the 53 gal still sets the standard man...she is another gal,from another planet...haha,quotin a blink 182 song title...anyway,right now how i feel is best expressed thru the song CREEP by RADIOHEAD..heres the lyrics:

I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special...

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't belong here.

well,thats all now folks

deadman signing out...

yay!!!!

2006-09-28T11:22:00.000+08:00

hahahahahaha....i have something to say...

CARYS ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahaha....whee!!!

PW sucks!! just like the owner of this laptop. LOLS. HAHAHHA.

what the heck is going on

2006-09-25T18:15:00.000+08:00

well,its promos time...actually only maths n lit left...so far,gp,econs quite alrite..but phys 50/50...i dun think its gd,but cliff seems to think that i have some knowledge of phys to pass..well,pretty soon we'll know whose right n whose wrong..anyway,now at bishan library,studying maths with cliff n carys...both of them went to meet carys's friend to get some maths paper,so,here i am blogging..haha..

well,regarding the last post,it seems that it was true after all..she is affected by wat pple say n stuff...kinda expected it, but wat i did'nt was the fact that she wanted to stop talking in public with me,so that these "rumours" will go away...woah!!...thats kinda on the extreme...so i told her that..but now,it seems weird....we still talk n stuff,but its like no longer the same...i mean when its just the two of us,its normal,but in public,its like kinda more alien...i dunno la,i mean its just friendship n if she can't trust me enough to know that,then do i really need such a friend...she was one of the main reasons why i wanted to stay..a gd friend,but now,if like this,then nxt yr,if we all promote,then do i really want to be here..i dunnno la...anyway,its time i looked out for me..i mean i have been like prayin that we all can promote to nxt yr,n i'm not the kind who usually prays..so now, i just want to pass my maths n lit n move on...but seriously,hope the rest can come along as well...

well, enough of this stuff..time to go as cliff n carys are here...

deadman signing out...

friends??

2006-09-01T10:48:00.000+08:00

things are starting to get screwed up...i just like talking to her..everytime we talk,its like so comfortable and stuff..no strings attached...but nowadays,maybe i've become too obsessed with talking to her..wantin to go back with her n stuff,its becomin too kuku..i just like talking to her..but i think shes thinks differently..i've started soundong like i like her or something,but i really don't...hopefully,sometime during this sep hols or when sch reopens,i'll get a chance to explain cauz i want this friendship to continue...it's sort of wat keeps me coming to sch nowadays...cauz talkin to her for awhile is good enough...sort of keeps me sane...but i know,i can't like keep asking her howz shes going back n calling her and stuff..that'll be too weird and thats how it is right now...maybe i wanna be good friends n she just wants friends?..that may explain some stuff..well,this is just a stupid situation..i'll have to fix it soon,before it goes out of hand....

deadman out...

lifes been fun actually

2006-08-19T21:17:00.000+08:00

well,its been more than a month since i last blogged...infact its nearly a month since i've even used the internet...my hse com's internet is down...am using my new laptop n blogging right on now..haha.think i'm tappin into some poor guys internet with my wireless service..haha

well,nothing much happened over the month, unless u count the rejection i got..haha..well,it was on the eve of national day actually..i told her n she said no,she was not ready for a new relationship yet..kinda disappointing,but i actually was in awe the whole time.."so this is how it feels",that was what was running thru my mind for like 3 days...but i'm over it,thought of waitin for her,buti think being friends with her is the best thing for both of us...after that,natural reaction was find someone new to go after(typical guy thing),so i sort of did...but its purely friendship,i like talking to her,just chatting n stuff..its kinda nice n i have company on the journey hme...but ofcauz,when a guy n a gal start talking alot all of a sudden,pple start to talk,n i'm a little worried that she might not want to like be friends and stuff cauz of what others think...hopefully its not like that,but hey, u never know with pple nowadays...so anyway,yup thats the 411...anyway,am having a great time in cj now..the pple are great,like yangyang,benedict,alk,PK,carys etc..so its kinda nice to go sch nowadays..but we'll see for how long la,cauz promos coming soon...

it seems like pr0mos are exactly 1 mth away and the only subjs i am confident in is maths,gp,mt...econs is on maybe list while both phys n lit is on possibly dead list...unfortunately, if i want to continue chattin with my new found friend nxt yr,i have to pass econs n either lit or phys...its gonna take some doing,but i think i have confidence in myself..i shld be able to do it,must be able to do it...

also,today, i had my first full 90 mins for BJFC..or actually full game..i don't know if we played 45 mins per half!..haha...usually,i'm the replacement for the captain,if he' s injured or smthg..but since we had exactly 11 turn up today,i got the start in central mid alongside the captain...anyway,to cut the long story short,we lost, but i thought i played decent in the first half,but had this head injury in the 2nd half,n kinda just wandered arnd the pitch like a lost sheep..haha..n even more surprisingly, i was named co-man of the match for my team,by my team..hahahaha...lame,but its smthg that we have as a form of encouraging players..i dunno if they were being serious bout my MOM so i just, i gotta check BJFC's website,for official confirmation..haha..my first MOM,kinda cool if u think about it...

well,thats all from me for now and till the next time i can use the internet, its ariva deci...
deadman signin out...

what a difference a day makes

2006-07-13T16:32:00.000+08:00

what a diff a day makes...yst, i was voted in as vice president for my cca...then today,its like a totally fucked...i go to sch n the first thing in the morning,the teacher shout at us..for what?,cauz we didn't get up to say gd morning n cauz a few pple quite slack...the he shout at pple for putting their hands in their pockets while greeting him or for leaning on the table while greeting as well...bloody hell screwed up guy...everyday got mood swing one...

then later,he return us the maths mid-yr paper...failed with flying colours!..the only exam i actually studied for n i got 33.5...i alr had failed my physics..now i add maths to that also...then later on,i get back my econs...bloody hell,that one also fail...its like damn fucked la,i wrote the same thing as i did for my class tests,but my class test pass,here fail...its like single digits for all the sections....now i fail all 3 h2 subjects alr n my day was just beginning at 9am...wtf!...was like damn down for the rest of the day,no mood to eat,no mood to talk, just shout at someone...but i kept myself in check...then arnd 11am,i got back my lit paper...that 1 also fail....that was the end la..i mean 3 h2 n 1 h1 is all we take, n i now i get F's for all of them!.....totally lost my mood..tried to pass it off,but its like stuck in my mind...no idead wat to do..how to tell the folks at home,they will go ballistic man...its like so screwed..plus later on,i find out all those who for F for the h2 subjs, must go meet the principal to have a "chat" with him...dunno when thats gonna be..all i know is that if i have a repeat performance during promos,i'll get kicked out of sch..thats the bloody sch policy...but my fucked up day doesn't end there

2pm, the bell rings, n finally i can go home n let everything sink in n try to solve this shit i am in...but as i'm walking, the sch's DM comes up from behind, grabs my injured right shoulder,grips it like some damn bike handle n asks me if i am a terrorist!...the bloody bastard,who is he to call me a terrorist, the damn police isit...fucker...then he tried to get an indian teacher to prove his point that i should shave..so he calls this econs teacher n u know wat the teacher says.." well,u can keep the moustache,just shave everything else"...haha,the damn DM got kjacked by his own teacher!!..but ofcauz,the fucker that he is,he refused to agree n said i have to shave by tmr n then report to him tmr morning...bastard..he just got "slapped in the face" by his own teacher n he takes it out on me...but the shaving thing is not the concern,its the terrorist name calling...who the heck does he think he is,calling me a terrorist..just cauz i got facial hair so i am counted as one?...so then,does everyone who sports facial hair be called a terrorist?...asshole...i'm going to shave today,then show him tmr n then i going to question the bastard..if he got no proper reasons,then i wanna complain..i dun care to who, to the principal,the police,the newspapers,whoever!!..just wanna fuck up that old piece of shit...he got no right calling me that..i admit,i broke the sch rule about keeping facial hair,but instead of punishing me or smthg,wat does he do,he calls me a terrorist!...fine,u call me one,u have your fun..tmr is my turn,after i report to u,u better have a proper ans for me..if not,i'll think like a bloody terrorist n screw with u...all this shit just makes me wanna quit sch now n go do some private diploma thing n move on..i didn't ask for this shit n i sure as hell am not going to tolerate it....

well,i'll try to improve on my studies,cauz now with being the V.P. of my cca as well as having some great friends at cj, i dun wanna leave...but if i really can't do phys n econs,then i see no pt in staying cauz this is wat thats being used to go into uni...well,until some other,more pleasent time,

deadman signing out...

LTC

2006-06-11T10:47:00.000+08:00

well,i just came back from LTC..thats leadership trainin camp..well,unlike all other camps that i've been to, this has gotta rank as the best,if not on of the best i've been to...n all this was thanx to my grp, 7-up...yup,thats our team name,cauz we were grp 7 so we decided 7-up was just nice..we wanted yahoo at first,but thet say must have meaning to your grp names...so 7-up it was...

anyway,7-up was just amazing..i mean when i first saw the name list n didn't recognise anyone's name,i thought i was gonna have a really sucky camp..but after meeting these guys,they were like so enthu n fun n easy-going....we all got along just fine...as usual,i was being my quiet n boring self,but this guys didn't mind that at all,instead they encourage me to join in more n stuff like that...infact,if it weren't for them,i wouldn't have done the canopy walk thing at yishun safra or the rock-climbing thing as well...their encouragement n support was like totally awesome...haha...also their care n concern was really great..during our 15km trek arnd sembawang,we all like supported the injured n just cared about the welfare of everyone on the grp..even the teachers were great..mr chan n ms smith like asked arnd if u were all rite n stuff n even the facils, thad n edwin, helped alot as well.....

well,i guess what i really wanna say is thanx for eveything 7-up...u guys made the camp really great n enjoyable,even if it was not meant to be like that..from kim,with all her cute n funny things,to trent,with all his enthu n dynamic leadership skills,to joyce,for leadin us all in the cheers n stuff,to eileen,for the excessive use of the word "awesome" n other fun things,to alvan,n his joking ways.......this was definitely one camp that i won't forget....n to everyone else not metioned,thanx a millon cauz if not for everyone,then 7-up wouldn't have been this awesome...haha

deadman signin out..

bad luck??

2006-06-03T11:44:00.000+08:00

well,its been almost a month since i last blogged...didn't have a great may...apart from my birthday on the 14th n ac ouple of really good days,its mainly been bad luck again n again....
well to count off, 1: suffered a concussion while playing soccer
2: late for sch like countless times n all late by just afew mins
3: bad relationship choices etc....

well i did get to know some pple better n found how great they were...but mainly,the bad overruns the good for this month...right now,i have a high fever,a really bad throat,cough n something terribly wrong with my neck(probably from the concussion)....

but enough whining, today hopefully i'll feel gd enough to go see mus perform at yj's arts wk n meet up with the rest of p09, or whoever that actually turns up...looking forward to that..plus i had a great couple of days at ben's hse with my cj clazmates, rocking out n drinking n playing need 4 speed n watching movies....well till whenever next i feel like bloggin,

deadman signing out

just my views

2006-05-06T16:56:00.000+08:00

i didn't feel like going sch yst n so great was my luck,i actually contracted some form of stomach viral infection...haha..i have an mc to prove it...so,i spent the day infront of the com,watching troy n hitch...not a bad day after all(i mean,i did skip gp test!!..haha..)...the flip side was that i couldn't go lawn bowls(they actually called n asked if i was going!!)...but i did go on wed..boy did i suck on wed...had my first doubles match n i paired with jimmy to take on 2 gals...we got our asses whipped by them..lost 10-2 n 8-2...my god,everytime i thought i threw a good shot,this gal throws an even better one...kana owned like crazy...next time,i'm sticking with playing against j1's only(all 3 players in my match were j2!)...anyway,had a marathon sleeping session yst..slpet from 5.30pm yst all the way to 6.30am this morn...now,i feel good...haha...

anyway,today's polling day..wat for,i have no idea..its certain PAP will "return to power"..why even people contest,i dunno..waste your time n your money..every election,some guy will screw up n PAP say"this pple not gd enough to represent u..are u sure u want them in government??"..n like that they will win..so stupid...pple complain about PAP for 364 days in a yr,but come polling day,they always vote for PAP..whoelse to vote for?!..singaporeans are lame man....

deadman signing out...

just a bad day...

2006-04-28T21:33:00.000+08:00

well, my apologies for the previous post..after some private reflection,i guess i overreacted to a bad day...in truth,cj's not that bad...its not great,but its not bad...get it??...anyway,like i said,just a bad day n ever since then,its been so much better..just avoid the kuku ones n the day goes on just fine..i wanted to "hang" with certain pple,but since they so screwed up,i guess i'll just "hang" with others then..so long suckers...

anyway,lawn bowls been fun..its totally diff from soccer n its just relaxing n stuff...a break away from the nonsense of sch...haha..anyway,thats about it for now..

deadman signin out..

what a day

2006-04-24T19:20:00.001+08:00

man today sucked..just an overall fucked up day...right from the start,when i woke up, i knew it was gonna be bad...bloody shit...went to sch n like screwed with pple...really pissed them off and stuff...i just wanna keep quiet,but they wanna fan the fire..what to do,so i give them gd la..left,right n center...like some chao ah beng..knn... if thats not enough, PE after doing 2.4, do standing broad jump..the jackass teacher "teach me the proper way to jump"..bullshit..now must redo 5 stations again until get silver...fucked up rule... chibai,listen music also got no calm,just all the bullshit of the day coming back n stuff...just feel like screaming out at someone n killing that guy/gal...bitch...maybe i should have transfered to yj or something,atleast there got pple i get along with...here,i thought can get along,but its just bullshit man..so pathetic..just stick thru for 2 yrs n then fuck off else where..away from here can alr..fucked up sch with fucked up pple.....ya..i said that,if any cjcians reading this, just specially for today,go fuck u'reself ok...thank you

deadman signin out...